I'm a raging success as a failure~

But I'm sure that life is worth living..

Slowly but surely dawn will come leaving all that have been freezing through this wicked storm a feeling of warmth and forgiveness. Forgiveness for being alive, forgiveness for having a job, forgiveness for having things that clearly, according to most, we should be more than thankful for. Never for one moment shall you as a human take anything for gran-it. Because it's not a gift.. it's an honour.

Hmmm, remind me again when it all became this way? when working for 12 hours a day was something you did because you felt passion, you felt alive? When the reward for doing so was more than being told "you should be thankful we allow you to take breaths in this wonderful establishment."

What happened to all that we took as good fortune? Someone to love, someone to love us back.. a family to care for.. when did these things all become things that we are supposed to grovel for? what happened to being thankful and showing it? Is it really something that is so far removed to step up and out for your crew? Do people really weigh their lives against the weight of others? Are we so lost as a race that we don't step forward as one to protect many? Are all those souls off in an eastern land fighting for people who can't be bothered? Or worse yet, for people that have to way the options first before they make a move? What made it o.k. to watch your neighbor go without? Do people not take what they have left to someone who needs it? Or does that only happen to the freaks that are striving to get by?.. the souls that are not wondering if they are good people.. they just see that someone needs something.. something that they can give. I'm not talking about tangible things.. I'm talking about the smallest things.. 5 minutes of time.. not even that. Or as we have all seen it can be something huge.. a life for many lives.. unquestioned just given, no questions asked. Maybe it is how we are raised, maybe it is our family that guides us. Maybe it is your mother taking in a homeless family of 8 when you're 13. Maybe it's your grandfather driving to the lake in the middle of winter to retrieve a family. A family that he learned of earlier in that day, when the father came to him looking to rent a home. Only to realize that he does not have enough money to provide for his loved ones. A man that has swallowed all his pride and gone to look for a home, when he knows that the odds are so slim.. So slim that he has pitched a tent at a state park and prepared his children and wife that it may be a long winter.. Only to have the very man that told him earlier that he has nothing in his price range come and pack the tent up and explain that it is not in his conscious to watch children freeze, to let a family go without food.. It's amazing really that someone so gruff and tough had a heart that very few saw. And it may be that none of his family saw it. Only the chosen ones, the ones that needed help. Maybe he knew he had provided his family with all that they needed to get by. Maybe he knew that we needed to learn that helping is far better than letting people suffer. Are there still people like this? Are there still men out there that on a daily basis change the lives of many without giving it a second thought? For that matter are there women that can do such a thing? The kinder, maternal women.. they seem to be the worst of all.

I don't know. It's like we are all so guarded with a deep secret within us. That we are afraid that someone may hear us scream. Maybe we are so busy guarding our secrets and muffeling our screams that we aren't seeing what others around us need. We aren't hearing there pleas.

today I am angry at the world...there's no reason for it.. unless of course, I think about work.. the fact that I gave notice where i live and may have no where to go.., the fact that i feel like life revolves around things that i really have no say over.. unless i say it just right.. then wait..make sure i said it just right.. then wait to see the reaction.. now that's just fucked up.. and to top it off my computer screen is doing something strange.. but of course no one knows why.. fuck if i know, i'm the last person to use it.

work is o.k...somehow i earned myself another 30 days.. (you're only as good as your last show..) The man was in town and after 5 long days i finally ran head long into him where he proceeded to grab me out of the crowd and hug me.. ask how i was.. i said good (LIE) he said he knew i would be and gave me the "I love ya darlin.." and he was off with his entourage. Now of course this will cost me dearly on the home front..this will make the fat man want to terrorize me more than normal.. heh.. i guess it's worth it.

a month ago i canceled the cleaning lady.. i regret it.. my house is a mess and i just want some help keeping it dust free.. and mopping kills my ribs.. blah. i could go on and on...but venting won't fix my mood.. the mood that i'm not sure where it came from. sometimes i wonder if that by time i get a day off the stress has acumulated to a point where i just want to scream.. i should go to the gym.. i'd probably feel better but i don't really feel like it.. i should write.. but i don't really feel like it. hahahahaha got whine? hahahahahahahahahahaha

this is not good..and it's not for me..it's for someone who sees the little pieces that i can't seem to keep~

there’s a song that states “I was 29 before i realized that blowing my brains out wasn’t the answer.” Me.. it’s taken a whole lot longer.. just to realize that carrying on pisses more people off than walking away.. and god knows that thrills like that, they don’t come for free.. which would explain the pain that comes with knowing that to get that reaction you’ve done something questionable with your actions.

as i stand on the edge looking over for what may be the in between, the wind blows what little dignity that once ignited all that was me. it rustles with the leaves as it takes a hard turn to the south and floats away. it waves as it looks back.. it sings and feels free..it’s the part of me that i’m sure i need.

the parts that are left, they believe are for the taking..leaving little or nothing.. nothing left for what i deem important.. and sometimes there isn’t even enough to pull it together and rally up to make them mad as hell.. then again, I see the light, and realize the fight is the best part of the ride..

shortly, after seeing the reflection of swollen eyes lined with wrinkles that must be well earned, it dawns on me..that it doesn’t matter what is taken. it does not matter what is given away... if you don’t have it in you to make another plan.. you better put your head down and begin running like hell, cuz honey ain’t no one that’s gonna help you believe. There ain’t no one to help fill out your last will and testament.. so, as you sidle up to those tracks and contemplate laying it all out for our heavenly father to sort out.. remember you ain’t got nothing.. you ain’t complete,..it’s all the pieces of your broken life that make it worth clawing at the asphalt as you pull yourself out of the lane, while that semi is coming down down on you..

if you can’t grasp what you need then step back and look again.. cuz it’s not as shallow in that pond as you think.. it’s deep and sad.. but whatever you pull up with that algae wrapped around your mind.. that’s the part that makes you believe and see that you have it all...it’s just rusted and condemned..this is what they can’t have..it’s what drives the world mad. the breeze will dry you..as you look around.. begging for more.. you've become addicted to leaving it all behind.. you long for the crack of thunder as you realize you’re all you need.. this is the reason.. the reason you walk away.. you’re finding, very slowly what you want is what you need.. and somewhere in between you will find me... picking up the pieces.

would it be to much to ask to get through a 2 day period without my regional calling me and letting me know how much I've failed yet again? probably. However, after last weeks 3 day flogging I kept my composure and after hanging up and stepping out of the public area I am in went out called again and explained how it's going. that bastard's blood pressure has to be high as a kite. the sad part is, i truly do like and respect him.. but am on the verge of suggestion hormones for the violent bloody swings.. i would give almost anything to never shed another tear on any business related situation. calm cool and collected.. i'm not. heh.. no matter how hard i try when i get angry i cry, i cry or flip out in the form of letting everyone in my path exactly what i think of them and their actions.. it's like a freshly woven spider web.. entrapping all that have crossed my path at any time.

the worse part about all this is that i've really got short timers disease, but I've not given notice yet, I desperately need 5 more pay checks.. or unemployment.. at the rate i'm going unemployment shouldn't be a problem.. it kinda hurts my heart to think like that cuz i've worked really hard to get to where i am. and well, fuck it. sometimes you just take the wrong road.. sometimes, you take the wrong fucking expressway and can't figure off where you put your change to pay the toll because you were in such a hurry to get moving. yes, that is the story of my life.. quick jump on that ramp, head south, don't stop for lunch and god help you if the state patrol heads up behind you..cuz we ain't FUCKING STOPPING until we've burned the engine up and used the last drop of water on something useless like, drinking. good girl... now clean up your mess.. wipe off your knees and start over. perhaps this time start in 1st gear, instead of a dead run into drive.. cruising altitude should never make you short of breath. you should never have to wonder if they will be dropping oxygen down for your landing.

today started innocently enough.. a trip to the gym.. even ran a couple miles much to my amazement.. funny how you just wake up one day and realize.. it's time.. you live in Nebraska and your ass is in Oklahoma.

As i sit here typing away i am starting to see flaws in my shiny new computer.. flaws that i haven't given it.. because i don't have time to use it.. flaws that the person who bought it for me have given it.. cuz i'm to busy to use it.. if it gets much more i know what will happen.. I'll stop using it completely.. oh well.. i should be thrilled to have it.. but just once i'd like to walk in and see it where i left it... waiting for me. yes, i'm a selfish bitch. love me, hate me.. i don't care.. o.k. there are a select few i care what they think..

living to write..or think about writing...

Spiffy, silver~sharpie Mac...check
Life time of happenings that NO one believes but are as far as i know true....check
A friend to edit all that I write and keep me, well, trying.. check..

Am I writing? NO.. I do have to say however, that this week has been the best week I've had in months..It could be many things, but I know what it has really come down to.. the fucking tyrant I work for has been gone, on vacation.. Sadly, I'm not the only one who's noticed.. the whole place has been lighter and kinder, people are actually smiling because they want to...not because they signed a Disney Land type contract that states "I will smile at all times, unless I'd like to find my head in a box being delivered to me, while I thought I was enjoying my morning coffee!"

Yes, it is time to begin looking for a new place to sharpen my pencils, but I don't want too.. cuz it sucks doing that and it's daunting. Something else has happened this week too... I've somehow been dodging that I"m uncomfortable in my own skin feeling.. it's been dogging me for months... affecting every aspect of my life.. maybe it's spring, I don't know.. I know I'm not complaining. Even today as I showed up at the Pro Bowler tourney to represent... well, anyway I set up the games and started talking to people.. I hope it doesn't fade.. I hope it's here for a while. If it fades I'll know what it is.. it will be because I can't take the fucking beatings that are given daily as motivation. It's not unlike a movie we saw the other night.. the prison warden gave anniversary beatings to keep all motivated, to remind them of why they're there. nice.

It looks like we'll be moving to Henderson soon.. For Joe it's no big deal.. for me.. well, it's like starting over.. am i against it? no. does it scare me to be living in someone's home? yes.. it's scary.. there was that time when i found myself and my boys standing on the sidewalk wondering which way to turn.. and if the boys and myself could sleep in the car for more than a night or too. It was the first and ONLY time that I've ever been without a home.. something like that sticks with ya for a while. it also makes you stronger.. once you sort through the 'woe is me' issues, you stand up straight and move along.. with more skills than you had before..for that i can't be anythig but thankful!!!

I miss my family.. I miss my friends.. but i'm damn glad spring is here!

it ran up hit me in the back of the head and ran off tonight.. the reality of what is happening in the world. when i pulled into my drive way and realized that the elderly couple next to me were packing up their house and moving...it hit me.. it upset me last week when i saw the sign in the neighbors yard on the other side of me.. now this.. it brought tears to my eyes. it makes me wonder how my friends are really doing.. is it as bad where they are?

maybe i needed it to come speeding to a stop, to let me know what was wrong. i've been walking on egg shells for weeks every since i offended my mans family, waiting, for what i don't know.. i just know that between life and work..i've been stressed and it's gotta end. it's everywhere though.. my dear friend that can't let what is so bad for her go... my neighbors moving because they can't afford to keep what they thought they had forever... honestly, i just wanna hear that it's gonna be o.k... no matter what we say and do.. that it's all a growing process and the way to move on is to roll through the mud every now and then, that those are the times you take advantage of by cleaning off together and voicing all that needs to be said, only to feel whole and cleansed afterward. that's what i really need...

i'm wiped and i'm wired...

and it's just as well.

commitment. well, there must be a formal definition but i'm to tired to look it up.. so i'll run with it. commitment is something that some are born with and others learn. commitment is something that takes work even for the most righteous. some people commit to the wrong things, others commit to anything that makes them feel, well, whole? some of us just stumble around and commit to fucked up jobs and let them run us in circles.. we commit to relationships that engulf our minds..some commit to health, others drugs..some religion...some commit to nothing at all.. maybe at some point we should commit to ourselves and do what feels right, not necessarily what is right but what makes us happy... o.k. i'm game.

what brings all this up, this oh so special rant? well, tomorrow is dday.. the day i sit with the man who pays for the roof over my head and let him know how his right hand man works... like a man with one arm and it's not the one he needs. it will probably cost me my job.. but i don't think i have it in me to be talked down to yet another day. there reaches a point when you're double thinking you're second thoughts.. you begin to tear yourself apart.. good times.

life on the range...is good..like i said..i'm holding on for the ride... being alone is not an issue..being left alone standing alongside of the road with the breeze flowing through your hair, wondering where you left your dignity.. that's an issue.. but, perhaps, that is love.. and if you're lucky a big truck won't speed past you and smack ya with it's side mirror. then again, maybe that's love..hahhahaha

if you're really lucky, you find someone that treats you better than you treat yourself..and worries about you when you don't answer the phone...

ahhh.. the life and times...

Within reason, it is safe to say that it feels like hunting season....

In less than a month the fall from grace has been one that has left rug burns on my elbows and scabbed knees.. there reaches a point where you just wish people would step up, straighten their shoulders and say "here's your walking papers, we need the salary and you're taking up space." but no, that would be to easy..
that would be the mature way.. the non mind bending emotional torture way.. yes.. that would be the proper way.

safely, i can say that in the last month i've crashed and burned.. someone i love can't decide if i'm worth the ride.. based on, well, me. sometimes good is not enough. somehow, i've offended the most important people in his life and not conveyed the level of stress from work..brought it home with me, but not explained how miserable it's been.. thus, creating a nice little bubble of sheer frustration and snappyness around me. ahh yes, on the count of three someone please just throw a hand grenade my way, so i can pretend that's where the damage is coming from. then again, if it's worth it, doesn't it take work? and understanding? if there aren't any bumps is it worth the ride? probably not, how else do you decide what's worth it. i'm gonna bank on being worth it.. for the first time in my life.. hey, gotta start at some point... at least that's the way i'm seeing it.

life is still odd without my little man.. sad at times even.. if J had not made my bday so great i probably would have wallowed in delayed sorrow.. you know, the kind that catches up to you later in the form of self pity and ruin? i definitely would have not celebrated.. out of sheer exhaustion.. and that whole joy of work thang..