Oatmeal, a candle and jack daniels~

oh and a crystal glass to drink it out of!

I have decided that my friends are much better people than me. My friends of course have known this for years and are probably shaking there heads and saying "well, maybe it's not to late for her!" It's not that I'm out harming babies and small animals, (actually it's quite the opposite with the small animals, take a look at my hand.) it's that while I've been out screwing around following some elusive life of fame and fortune meant for only the truly selfish, they've all settled down. they've done things like marry, more importantly, stay married. they've started families, bought homes, remembered there parents birthdays, gone home for christmas. the little things in life that make it fulfilling. Perhaps it's that they aren't as self indulgent as myself, perhaps it's that they know how to love others. me I only love a few and that would be my family, (all three of them) the aforementioned friends and of course my critters. above and beyond that, i got nothing. well, i've got what most would consider a great job and according to my boss only a chosen few are cut out for the abuse. hahahahaha what the abuse of working for me or me working for them? i make enough to survive, feed said critters and myself and occasionally buy goodies for said friends and family. this of course should be enough, but there's the selfish part. the part of me that wants people in my life only to push them so far over the edge that they cringe at the sound of my name. yes, that part. the part that seems to be inherent in me for god only knows why. my mom isn't this way, she has given the shirt off her back to people she doesn't know. she's sacrificed her life for others~ she's been my mom. my dad, well i'm not so sure about him. it's not for lack of knowing him, well it kinda is, i mean we have a handful of things in common and spend a few days together every 3 years or so. we may talk on the phone about that often in between. that again is my doing. I can write, text, send goodies but I can only talk on the phone once every full moon. o.k. that's not entirely true, I talk to my dear friend in the land of mormons and run away saints on a daily basis, but that's only because we really don't have to talk to each other.. we just kinda listen as the other goes on and on. we understand when we realize that the other has really hit on something when we realize that we're waiting to be rescued but only by someone that fits exactly into our criteria. having a stiff criteria of course guarantees that we can be jaded and bitter pretty much for ever. or, as we both know and have tried many times, settle. o.k. she can settle, me not so much, i'm to busy driving them to the edge, opening the door and insuring that they don't hit the edge as they fall over. the friends i have from home, there's not a single one of them that hasn't found the one they love. they've all opted to stay in a city that encourages people to do what they want. there's not a day that goes by that i don't wish i lived closer to them, closer to my mom but there's to many variables there, to many ghost waiting for me on almost every street corner. ghost that are more than willing to escort me on a tour of my life and what it really has been as opposed to the joy ride i've chosen to believe in.