i've let you down~ oh forgive me~forgive me love

i've little inclination to be write, even less to be creative. it could be the fact that when i'm not working i'm sleeping. it could be that i've lost faith in any chance of having a real life in the near future. it could be me. of course it can't be the nice acidic hole i've created in the pit of my stomach, known lovingly as a bleeding ulcer. of course it's not the fact that i babysit pretty much 12 hours a day plus some. and none of the above would have anything to do with the fact that i jump due to exhaustion every time i catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that a full department where i work is trying to decide how to get me a life and considering auctioning off who asks me out? ewwwwwwww. is that what it comes down to? is that where it begins and ends? with whom you date or if you date at all? what about it you're a full time 'booty call' that occassionaly gets flowers out of the deal? does that count? does it count if you're in denial? and where do you draw the line and say 'no more'? i'm sure like everything else in life it presents itself.

if i really think about it, it just upsets me. why i don't know. it's not like my dance card isn't full. it's that it's full but not at my liking. it's full at others schedules and that is something i've had more than enough of. i am the original fall back girl. i am the one that is there if there's nothing else. no, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i'm just giving myself a serious reality check. this doesn't mean i'll do anything to fix it, that would take energy that i'd rather use somewhere else. or i can pretend that i'm going to use it productively, like training for the race that the president and various others at my work have decided that i'm the ringer for. hahahahahahaha yes, i laughed when they said it too. maybe it'll motivate my now sorry ass to get in gear and run. then again~ really, i should be writing about what is and what should never be. i should be writing about things that make me feel pasionate. i should be concentrating on what makes me happy or maybe what makes me feel like writing? ah fuck it. it's late and i just deleted someone from my phone. why? because i don't trust anyone. i barely trust myself.
nite.