Hotter than a Pepper Sprout~

I'm a raging success as a failure~

2009-04-20T19:58:00.001-07:00

But I'm sure that life is worth living..

Slowly but surely dawn will come leaving all that have been freezing through this wicked storm a feeling of warmth and forgiveness. Forgiveness for being alive, forgiveness for having a job, forgiveness for having things that clearly, according to most, we should be more than thankful for. Never for one moment shall you as a human take anything for gran-it. Because it's not a gift.. it's an honour.

Hmmm, remind me again when it all became this way? when working for 12 hours a day was something you did because you felt passion, you felt alive? When the reward for doing so was more than being told "you should be thankful we allow you to take breaths in this wonderful establishment."

What happened to all that we took as good fortune? Someone to love, someone to love us back.. a family to care for.. when did these things all become things that we are supposed to grovel for? what happened to being thankful and showing it? Is it really something that is so far removed to step up and out for your crew? Do people really weigh their lives against the weight of others? Are we so lost as a race that we don't step forward as one to protect many? Are all those souls off in an eastern land fighting for people who can't be bothered? Or worse yet, for people that have to way the options first before they make a move? What made it o.k. to watch your neighbor go without? Do people not take what they have left to someone who needs it? Or does that only happen to the freaks that are striving to get by?.. the souls that are not wondering if they are good people.. they just see that someone needs something.. something that they can give. I'm not talking about tangible things.. I'm talking about the smallest things.. 5 minutes of time.. not even that. Or as we have all seen it can be something huge.. a life for many lives.. unquestioned just given, no questions asked. Maybe it is how we are raised, maybe it is our family that guides us. Maybe it is your mother taking in a homeless family of 8 when you're 13. Maybe it's your grandfather driving to the lake in the middle of winter to retrieve a family. A family that he learned of earlier in that day, when the father came to him looking to rent a home. Only to realize that he does not have enough money to provide for his loved ones. A man that has swallowed all his pride and gone to look for a home, when he knows that the odds are so slim.. So slim that he has pitched a tent at a state park and prepared his children and wife that it may be a long winter.. Only to have the very man that told him earlier that he has nothing in his price range come and pack the tent up and explain that it is not in his conscious to watch children freeze, to let a family go without food.. It's amazing really that someone so gruff and tough had a heart that very few saw. And it may be that none of his family saw it. Only the chosen ones, the ones that needed help. Maybe he knew he had provided his family with all that they needed to get by. Maybe he knew that we needed to learn that helping is far better than letting people suffer. Are there still people like this? Are there still men out there that on a daily basis change the lives of many without giving it a second thought? For that matter are there women that can do such a thing? The kinder, maternal women.. they seem to be the worst of all.

I don't know. It's like we are all so guarded with a deep secret within us. That we are afraid that someone may hear us scream. Maybe we are so busy guarding our secrets and muffeling our screams that we aren't seeing what others around us need. We aren't hearing there pleas.

2009-04-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

today I am angry at the world...there's no reason for it.. unless of course, I think about work.. the fact that I gave notice where i live and may have no where to go.., the fact that i feel like life revolves around things that i really have no say over.. unless i say it just right.. then wait..make sure i said it just right.. then wait to see the reaction.. now that's just fucked up.. and to top it off my computer screen is doing something strange.. but of course no one knows why.. fuck if i know, i'm the last person to use it.

work is o.k...somehow i earned myself another 30 days.. (you're only as good as your last show..) The man was in town and after 5 long days i finally ran head long into him where he proceeded to grab me out of the crowd and hug me.. ask how i was.. i said good (LIE) he said he knew i would be and gave me the "I love ya darlin.." and he was off with his entourage. Now of course this will cost me dearly on the home front..this will make the fat man want to terrorize me more than normal.. heh.. i guess it's worth it.

a month ago i canceled the cleaning lady.. i regret it.. my house is a mess and i just want some help keeping it dust free.. and mopping kills my ribs.. blah. i could go on and on...but venting won't fix my mood.. the mood that i'm not sure where it came from. sometimes i wonder if that by time i get a day off the stress has acumulated to a point where i just want to scream.. i should go to the gym.. i'd probably feel better but i don't really feel like it.. i should write.. but i don't really feel like it. hahahahaha got whine? hahahahahahahahahahaha

this is not good..and it's not for me..it's for someone who sees the little pieces that i can't seem to keep~

2009-04-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

there’s a song that states “I was 29 before i realized that blowing my brains out wasn’t the answer.” Me.. it’s taken a whole lot longer.. just to realize that carrying on pisses more people off than walking away.. and god knows that thrills like that, they don’t come for free.. which would explain the pain that comes with knowing that to get that reaction you’ve done something questionable with your actions.

as i stand on the edge looking over for what may be the in between, the wind blows what little dignity that once ignited all that was me. it rustles with the leaves as it takes a hard turn to the south and floats away. it waves as it looks back.. it sings and feels free..it’s the part of me that i’m sure i need.

the parts that are left, they believe are for the taking..leaving little or nothing.. nothing left for what i deem important.. and sometimes there isn’t even enough to pull it together and rally up to make them mad as hell.. then again, I see the light, and realize the fight is the best part of the ride..

shortly, after seeing the reflection of swollen eyes lined with wrinkles that must be well earned, it dawns on me..that it doesn’t matter what is taken. it does not matter what is given away... if you don’t have it in you to make another plan.. you better put your head down and begin running like hell, cuz honey ain’t no one that’s gonna help you believe. There ain’t no one to help fill out your last will and testament.. so, as you sidle up to those tracks and contemplate laying it all out for our heavenly father to sort out.. remember you ain’t got nothing.. you ain’t complete,..it’s all the pieces of your broken life that make it worth clawing at the asphalt as you pull yourself out of the lane, while that semi is coming down down on you..

if you can’t grasp what you need then step back and look again.. cuz it’s not as shallow in that pond as you think.. it’s deep and sad.. but whatever you pull up with that algae wrapped around your mind.. that’s the part that makes you believe and see that you have it all...it’s just rusted and condemned..this is what they can’t have..it’s what drives the world mad. the breeze will dry you..as you look around.. begging for more.. you've become addicted to leaving it all behind.. you long for the crack of thunder as you realize you’re all you need.. this is the reason.. the reason you walk away.. you’re finding, very slowly what you want is what you need.. and somewhere in between you will find me... picking up the pieces.

2009-04-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

would it be to much to ask to get through a 2 day period without my regional calling me and letting me know how much I've failed yet again? probably. However, after last weeks 3 day flogging I kept my composure and after hanging up and stepping out of the public area I am in went out called again and explained how it's going. that bastard's blood pressure has to be high as a kite. the sad part is, i truly do like and respect him.. but am on the verge of suggestion hormones for the violent bloody swings.. i would give almost anything to never shed another tear on any business related situation. calm cool and collected.. i'm not. heh.. no matter how hard i try when i get angry i cry, i cry or flip out in the form of letting everyone in my path exactly what i think of them and their actions.. it's like a freshly woven spider web.. entrapping all that have crossed my path at any time.

the worse part about all this is that i've really got short timers disease, but I've not given notice yet, I desperately need 5 more pay checks.. or unemployment.. at the rate i'm going unemployment shouldn't be a problem.. it kinda hurts my heart to think like that cuz i've worked really hard to get to where i am. and well, fuck it. sometimes you just take the wrong road.. sometimes, you take the wrong fucking expressway and can't figure off where you put your change to pay the toll because you were in such a hurry to get moving. yes, that is the story of my life.. quick jump on that ramp, head south, don't stop for lunch and god help you if the state patrol heads up behind you..cuz we ain't FUCKING STOPPING until we've burned the engine up and used the last drop of water on something useless like, drinking. good girl... now clean up your mess.. wipe off your knees and start over. perhaps this time start in 1st gear, instead of a dead run into drive.. cruising altitude should never make you short of breath. you should never have to wonder if they will be dropping oxygen down for your landing.

today started innocently enough.. a trip to the gym.. even ran a couple miles much to my amazement.. funny how you just wake up one day and realize.. it's time.. you live in Nebraska and your ass is in Oklahoma.

As i sit here typing away i am starting to see flaws in my shiny new computer.. flaws that i haven't given it.. because i don't have time to use it.. flaws that the person who bought it for me have given it.. cuz i'm to busy to use it.. if it gets much more i know what will happen.. I'll stop using it completely.. oh well.. i should be thrilled to have it.. but just once i'd like to walk in and see it where i left it... waiting for me. yes, i'm a selfish bitch. love me, hate me.. i don't care.. o.k. there are a select few i care what they think..

living to write..or think about writing...

2009-03-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Spiffy, silver~sharpie Mac...check
Life time of happenings that NO one believes but are as far as i know true....check
A friend to edit all that I write and keep me, well, trying.. check..

Am I writing? NO.. I do have to say however, that this week has been the best week I've had in months..It could be many things, but I know what it has really come down to.. the fucking tyrant I work for has been gone, on vacation.. Sadly, I'm not the only one who's noticed.. the whole place has been lighter and kinder, people are actually smiling because they want to...not because they signed a Disney Land type contract that states "I will smile at all times, unless I'd like to find my head in a box being delivered to me, while I thought I was enjoying my morning coffee!"

Yes, it is time to begin looking for a new place to sharpen my pencils, but I don't want too.. cuz it sucks doing that and it's daunting. Something else has happened this week too... I've somehow been dodging that I"m uncomfortable in my own skin feeling.. it's been dogging me for months... affecting every aspect of my life.. maybe it's spring, I don't know.. I know I'm not complaining. Even today as I showed up at the Pro Bowler tourney to represent... well, anyway I set up the games and started talking to people.. I hope it doesn't fade.. I hope it's here for a while. If it fades I'll know what it is.. it will be because I can't take the fucking beatings that are given daily as motivation. It's not unlike a movie we saw the other night.. the prison warden gave anniversary beatings to keep all motivated, to remind them of why they're there. nice.

It looks like we'll be moving to Henderson soon.. For Joe it's no big deal.. for me.. well, it's like starting over.. am i against it? no. does it scare me to be living in someone's home? yes.. it's scary.. there was that time when i found myself and my boys standing on the sidewalk wondering which way to turn.. and if the boys and myself could sleep in the car for more than a night or too. It was the first and ONLY time that I've ever been without a home.. something like that sticks with ya for a while. it also makes you stronger.. once you sort through the 'woe is me' issues, you stand up straight and move along.. with more skills than you had before..for that i can't be anythig but thankful!!!

I miss my family.. I miss my friends.. but i'm damn glad spring is here!

2009-03-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

it ran up hit me in the back of the head and ran off tonight.. the reality of what is happening in the world. when i pulled into my drive way and realized that the elderly couple next to me were packing up their house and moving...it hit me.. it upset me last week when i saw the sign in the neighbors yard on the other side of me.. now this.. it brought tears to my eyes. it makes me wonder how my friends are really doing.. is it as bad where they are?

maybe i needed it to come speeding to a stop, to let me know what was wrong. i've been walking on egg shells for weeks every since i offended my mans family, waiting, for what i don't know.. i just know that between life and work..i've been stressed and it's gotta end. it's everywhere though.. my dear friend that can't let what is so bad for her go... my neighbors moving because they can't afford to keep what they thought they had forever... honestly, i just wanna hear that it's gonna be o.k... no matter what we say and do.. that it's all a growing process and the way to move on is to roll through the mud every now and then, that those are the times you take advantage of by cleaning off together and voicing all that needs to be said, only to feel whole and cleansed afterward. that's what i really need...

i'm wiped and i'm wired...

2009-02-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

and it's just as well.

commitment. well, there must be a formal definition but i'm to tired to look it up.. so i'll run with it. commitment is something that some are born with and others learn. commitment is something that takes work even for the most righteous. some people commit to the wrong things, others commit to anything that makes them feel, well, whole? some of us just stumble around and commit to fucked up jobs and let them run us in circles.. we commit to relationships that engulf our minds..some commit to health, others drugs..some religion...some commit to nothing at all.. maybe at some point we should commit to ourselves and do what feels right, not necessarily what is right but what makes us happy... o.k. i'm game.

what brings all this up, this oh so special rant? well, tomorrow is dday.. the day i sit with the man who pays for the roof over my head and let him know how his right hand man works... like a man with one arm and it's not the one he needs. it will probably cost me my job.. but i don't think i have it in me to be talked down to yet another day. there reaches a point when you're double thinking you're second thoughts.. you begin to tear yourself apart.. good times.

life on the range...is good..like i said..i'm holding on for the ride... being alone is not an issue..being left alone standing alongside of the road with the breeze flowing through your hair, wondering where you left your dignity.. that's an issue.. but, perhaps, that is love.. and if you're lucky a big truck won't speed past you and smack ya with it's side mirror. then again, maybe that's love..hahhahaha

if you're really lucky, you find someone that treats you better than you treat yourself..and worries about you when you don't answer the phone...

ahhh.. the life and times...

2009-02-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

Within reason, it is safe to say that it feels like hunting season....

In less than a month the fall from grace has been one that has left rug burns on my elbows and scabbed knees.. there reaches a point where you just wish people would step up, straighten their shoulders and say "here's your walking papers, we need the salary and you're taking up space." but no, that would be to easy..
that would be the mature way.. the non mind bending emotional torture way.. yes.. that would be the proper way.

safely, i can say that in the last month i've crashed and burned.. someone i love can't decide if i'm worth the ride.. based on, well, me. sometimes good is not enough. somehow, i've offended the most important people in his life and not conveyed the level of stress from work..brought it home with me, but not explained how miserable it's been.. thus, creating a nice little bubble of sheer frustration and snappyness around me. ahh yes, on the count of three someone please just throw a hand grenade my way, so i can pretend that's where the damage is coming from. then again, if it's worth it, doesn't it take work? and understanding? if there aren't any bumps is it worth the ride? probably not, how else do you decide what's worth it. i'm gonna bank on being worth it.. for the first time in my life.. hey, gotta start at some point... at least that's the way i'm seeing it.

life is still odd without my little man.. sad at times even.. if J had not made my bday so great i probably would have wallowed in delayed sorrow.. you know, the kind that catches up to you later in the form of self pity and ruin? i definitely would have not celebrated.. out of sheer exhaustion.. and that whole joy of work thang..

a box of tampons and marlboro lites!

2008-12-25T14:01:00.000-08:00

I’m sure there’s something in a shade of grey something in between..

As I look back even on this day and wonder where it is that I might be.. I think about my consequences and what brought me around. Is it the lack of rain that brings me to change my mind.. again, I’m not ready.. then again, when are we ever ready for that next step?
Is this where I realize I’m old enough to be almost everyone in my life's mom.. is there where I say fuck it and live like it has never happened before.. like there is not life raft coming and what you see is what you get. if you take the time to pray you may never see what is ahead or feel what is left behind.

if it brings you pain does that mean it stays along for the journey, takes its place on your fast train.. moving along with all that you think you need.. in all that you fear you might be…

as another day dawns and I wonder about these life altering choices..the ones that have put me in a desert high above everything I dreamed where the contrast doesn't exist because there is no color to bring you back to life. something that goes where, only god knows.. somehow I don’t know. somehow it should have been something that was a conscious decision, not a guessing game trying to walk that wire not falling to far in either direction, trying to avoid who we are…. begging the question why? why do we begin again.

our lives are defined by those we leave behind not by those whom we share our days.. who we are is defined by what we look back to and what we choose to keep… our beings exist by what exist in us that allows to be repetitive.

if it keeps you awake does that mean it's worth the energy in your waking hours? or does that mean you're asking it to slowly fade from view..and be remembered as something that is meant to revered in a silent sort of way..

it's christmas~ i miss my family.. i miss my friends....

one grocery bag at a time!

2008-11-27T23:24:00.000-08:00

it is probably the fact that i'm tired.. but i'm feeling a little down~
or it could be the fact that i've worked everyday since i've been back from my trip or maybe the loss of my little man.
i miss him tons... it's really strange to come home and not look for him immediately. it amazes me how hard it is to lose something so small... and as silly as it sounds emu was one of the kindest souls i've ever known. he is greatly missed.. and i still feel guilty for not making him com back to bed the night i got home from seattle..... he wanted to snuggle so badly and i was moving around to much.. he always slept with me, across my neck.. but that night he just couldn't take it.. blah

it's turkey day.. i'd planned on being off for the first time in a couple years..but, hey it ain't easy being king. hahahahaha
i did make it to my brothers.. and it was on of those rare good times when i realize that he and i are a lot alike.. and as hard ass as we try to be~ pretty good people.. and somehow he has 3 beautiful girls!

seattle was great.. i truly miss my friends and family.. everyone looks amazing.. i think we're all getting better looking as we get older..heh~
in general life is good.. for the first time, i'm wishing i'd met someone earlier in life... yes, i have to admit somehow this one makes me happy...and somehow deals with my craziness.. someone who doesn't run and hide when i start twitching.. someone who figured out that all i really need is to be held.. somebody who wants that responsibility.. heh who knew.

only time will tell~

2008-10-21T20:55:00.001-07:00

if you had asked me a year ago, i'd have been quite adamant about not being in the financial spot i am now.. And it is not beyond me how ridiculous it is that i'm struggling..

yet..... i refuse to not help my mu... can't eat.. but my mu is kicking.. heh.. he'd do the same for me, i know it.

then there's my pal in the north lands by now freezing~ heh~ she's not better.. she's eating ramen (vegetable) so she can feed her clan~ heh nough said..

2008-10-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

everyone's an actor or an actors best friend~

or so it seems, well it seemed that way in l.a. here everyone wants to know an actor and has no concept that you might~

friday i experienced something that i've never experienced before, while out with a few friends at a bar downtown some chick who clearly thought she was cooler than god had her ass in my face for most the night~ she was standing next to the fire place that i was parked on enjoying my Jamesons and some really ridiculous pick up lines~ she was sitting on my shoulder like a fucking parrot! honestly.

today was spent doing doing something that most, no all of my friends would love to have experienced with me~ went to a charity event with the boy~ he got his head shaved for it~ that's not what everyone would enjoy, what everyone would enjoy is the fact that it was an event full of metro~state patrol~firemen....all that have chosen the higher ground~ to help and protect~ yep, i had a moment of anxiety wondering all the times i've fallen into a city off the bus, rolled out of the van loaded with enough drugs to kill a horse~ NO they're never mine~ in spite of the catch phrase that seems to follow me lovingly every time i go home 'hide your pills, drink your liquor and lock up your men' really i need a tshirt or something with that on it~ cuz well, it still makes me laugh. anyway, it was fun~ yeah, i said it~ roll with it.

still feeling fine~ translates to f.i.n.e. for those of ya that don't know~ god knows why. all i know is i'm feeling like what i hate in most people. that's a great thought. and i can't wait till it passes. it's probably all the stress from work~ you know that wonderful feeling of not doing anything right? that combined with the stress of laying people off. Good times.

lets talk baggage~ i've got enough for a passenger train headed out for a month long trek across canada! when the hell does that go away? why does it come screaming back at you when you seem to feel like everything is great~ only to make you obsess over the things that brought your world crashing down. do you ever learn to trust the "girl friends" in someones life? i mean really who the hell am i to care about that? well, someone who miss judged it in a big way for oh... the better part of 10 years.

perhaps i should consider getting over myself sometime soon~ perhaps i should consider getting over myself and realize that there are more things to life~ that i'm not the driving force behind everything in life~ o.k. i might be. i do still believe that i am damn close to the eye of the hurricane~ stranger than most with a nack of pulling towards me everything and anything that people will not believe~ things that if it were not for a camera phone and well, Terrah no one would no to really believe what goes on. is there a benefit to all this? i dunno i'll let ya know. when i write the book~

why is it the more you ignore someone they trail you like a small puppy begging for anything that comes close to attention? why is it that you fall in love with the ones that would rather watch you flail on a line above a crevice that is deeper than hell, where the landing isn't near as fun cuz you don't have your friends and bottles of bourbon waiting~ when do you grow up and move on? heh who gives a fuck.
he finally got the hint~

i guess the real question is~ don't i have anything better to do? what happened to the adage of ' if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all~'

i gotta get my sorry ass out the door and run~ my ass is starting to look like middle america~

fine, yes i'm fine

2008-10-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional~

i'm fine and the fact that i can define how i am is probably better than most. ~
for everything good thing that's happened in the last couple days something fucked up has countered it and as much as i'd like to say everything is zen~ it's not.

nothing tragic~ nothing overwhelming~ just stuff~

the guy you've reluctantly fallen for brings you coffee and leaves it at the front desk for you~
the same guy takes you to dinner and talks to another girl via text all night~

have a great financial call, one of those rare occurrences when they've got nothing to bitch at ya for they actually yell at you then say ' i have to yell at ya or your ego will get out of control and what kind of relationship would we have then?' trust me when i say i know that this is not going to happen forever.

go to a meeting up on that floor and realize that you're not gonna get grief for anything only to be lit into by a very uptight accountant that single handedly fucked your staff out of two days pay~
get permanently removed from the heads of states meeting on that floor. realize that you didn't really like going to that meeting anyway.

go to my brothers baby shower and actually enjoy being around, well until it's colors came out again... pregnancy does nothing for peoples general attitude should they have a poor one by nature~

lets talk about relationships and the art or invasion of texting~ after a blowout that i didn't stand my ground on by calling and apologizing i was informed that i do the same thing, and i do. but at least it's work related~ it's not some guy commenting on how he does'nt see me in a long term relationship because i'm such a flirt, or some guy contiuously wondering what i'm doing on any given night. damn it, this is exactly why i kept my distance for three months.. now i'm fine!

i got halloween goodies in the mail with a card that made me cry~ my dear friends are losing someone they love. they're dog is sick with cancer... most people would say they were sorry to hear it, me i cry my eyes out until i can't breathe because i know their pain... it sucks to see your friend waste away and you can't fix it. you just wait, pray to your god that you'll know if they're in pain and that you're making the right choices.

Love is pain and if you're smart you'll cut out early before that gut wrenching ache has a chance to set in. love is the very thing that makes us breathe~ love in some form or another helps us define who we are~ love of another, love of a pet, love of a job. love is what drives us to work on something tirelessly until we drop, love is what makes us look away from what normally makes us crazy it's like a sedative that kicks in and makes you manic for a nice side effect.
sounds great don't it?

i've decided that i have changed in many ways for the better...and i'm tough enough to endure some fucked up things life throws at me~ but the one thing i can't seem to master is not having my feelings hurt over something so tiny that anyone else wouldn't blink. i'm devistated by things that are ridiculous, somehow i can manage for the major events~ i'll get to the point, it'd be almost better to have someone say hey 'i fucked her.' than deal with the petty stuff. is this what happens when you date someone that is not a loser and attracts women? someone that has a real job and treats his friends well? and how, after all these years can i be insecure? i should know better. i should realize that this is life~ make of it what you will.

o.k. i know, get the fuck over it. one of my staff was informed today that the place he took his computer for it to be repaired stole all the information off of it. today the cops came to his house to talk with him and inform him there's been 30 grand of c.c. run up in his names and that his savings and checking are gone~ he smiled and worked anyway. worked better than i did and i didn't have that kind of day!

a left hook to the jaw~

2008-10-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

i watched a movie on show time tonight that was so captivating i didn't pull my normal stunt of getting up and doing something that has been waiting to be done for weeks during the good part. thinking that i'd heard this story before~ was it in the news? ~ did i read the book?~ was it about a fighter i thought was great?
no. i read the script. i was asked to produce it. the script was just as captivating but i didn't approve of where the money was coming from to fund it. once again, i turned right instead of left, it turned out to be a great movie. maybe i should have learned something from the script, something about passion and endurance something about drive. maybe i should have been a boxer, maybe i should have kept my head down and done the work... maybe..

my rather large silver sharpie cat is so tired he's yelling at me... to go to bed.. i guess i should rather than go on about nothing, like the fact that something really small can level me, but something that might crush another brings tears to my eyes from laughter. i'm so going to hell, good thing all my friends will be there.

i miss my family...i miss my friends.. i need a vacation.. i need to be in bed and resting before the meeting that blesses me before i'm sent to slaughter..

around and around!

2008-09-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

just one day one day that is equivalent to the 12 hours days i work...one day off that does not include running around like a mad woman getting everything done that makes it so you can live comfortably for the week! I have no idea how my friends with kids do it.

i've let you down~ oh forgive me~forgive me love

2008-09-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

i've little inclination to be write, even less to be creative. it could be the fact that when i'm not working i'm sleeping. it could be that i've lost faith in any chance of having a real life in the near future. it could be me. of course it can't be the nice acidic hole i've created in the pit of my stomach, known lovingly as a bleeding ulcer. of course it's not the fact that i babysit pretty much 12 hours a day plus some. and none of the above would have anything to do with the fact that i jump due to exhaustion every time i catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that a full department where i work is trying to decide how to get me a life and considering auctioning off who asks me out? ewwwwwwww. is that what it comes down to? is that where it begins and ends? with whom you date or if you date at all? what about it you're a full time 'booty call' that occassionaly gets flowers out of the deal? does that count? does it count if you're in denial? and where do you draw the line and say 'no more'? i'm sure like everything else in life it presents itself.

if i really think about it, it just upsets me. why i don't know. it's not like my dance card isn't full. it's that it's full but not at my liking. it's full at others schedules and that is something i've had more than enough of. i am the original fall back girl. i am the one that is there if there's nothing else. no, i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i'm just giving myself a serious reality check. this doesn't mean i'll do anything to fix it, that would take energy that i'd rather use somewhere else. or i can pretend that i'm going to use it productively, like training for the race that the president and various others at my work have decided that i'm the ringer for. hahahahahahaha yes, i laughed when they said it too. maybe it'll motivate my now sorry ass to get in gear and run. then again~ really, i should be writing about what is and what should never be. i should be writing about things that make me feel pasionate. i should be concentrating on what makes me happy or maybe what makes me feel like writing? ah fuck it. it's late and i just deleted someone from my phone. why? because i don't trust anyone. i barely trust myself.
nite.

rescue me~

2008-08-26T00:15:00.000-07:00

Originally this post was going to be a diatribe, well all my post are so perhaps I should say it was to be a rant. A rant about how all I want in life is someone to rescue me. No not from the world, but from me. Someone to save me from no one, nothing, but me. Someone to step in and pick me up when i fall without the daunting lectures or roll of the eyes. Someone that wants to call on a daily basis just to say hi and listen to what I have to say, sometimes, maybe just to hear my shrill little voice Someone that longs to talk to me, to hear my ideas, my dreams, my fears and yes those ever out of reach desires. Then something happened, I got stood up for pulling shrubs out of my yard after a definitive "I'll be there in the morning baby, because i want to help you do it!" And I had lunch. After these two events things came together for me~ came together like a hurricane hitting land slightly before it's projected time. You know, while everyone is still admiring the giant waves and surfing cuz it's the calm before the storm.

The one who was supposed to help with the shrubs, he texted at one to let me know he'd be late for his 9 a.m. commitment.. He wanted me to know he needed to help his dad for awhile. For the life of him he couldn't figure out why I might be a little hurt by the fact that 4 hours after said time he decided to let me know he'd be late... He decided that i was upset because he was helping his dad. He actually found the nerve to say "i enjoy hanging out with you, you're fun to be with and a great fuck but my family comes first." O.k. can you ethically use 'great fuck and family' in the same sentence? hmm,i dunno. now before i go and alienate him completely i have to say this boy has done more for me in 6 weeks than the man i was married to for 7 years did.. and that alone leaves me speechless and thankful and alas a little confused as to why he felt the need to drop the family statement on me... i mean really.

O.k. not showing up is one thing, lying about why you don't show up is another BUT feeling the need to tell someone you've been sleeping with for 6 weeks that your family comes first~ is that sane? What kind of person doesn't know that? Clearly the person that refuses to answer the question "Are you missing me?" doesn't know. Honestly, how do you answer that question when it's been less than 4 hours since you left the person asking the quesiton in your bed?? Jesus, I gotta get some emotions cuz my response is a standard "maybe." Not what someone wants to hear when there asking that oh, 5 times a day. Honestly, it's a shame i'm not a man because I'm more like a man than the men I date. If they cry, (wait that's my friend mean eyed cat) if they are flakey and completly incapable of commitment I want 'em. Ohh if they ride a harley that scores even more points.

This brings us to lunch.

For whatever reason, after 3 months this boy pops back up to let me know how sorry he is for dumping me for his on again off again ex.. Hello, can we all just be straight up from the get go and say "hey, i've got living breathing baggage and she'll be home any minute." if we could it'd save us all a lot of heartache Well, it's save me some. Anyway lunch~ the first one, he's a cop... the second one.. well, he's got a harley.. needless to say they both have attitude. enough to cover each other and me. O.k. lunch. After being not amused by the stand~up i decide to go to lunch with the latter just to see if it's worth it to cross down that rode again.. When all the signs are already saying 'NO' after having drinks two nights before. why are the signs saying 'no!!!!' because par normal the evening ended with i'll call you tomorrow, of course that lapsed into two days later. i know better but like all good girls i go. i enjoy the conversation, i enjoy the laughs and hints at doing this again... and it ends with "i'll call you tomorrow!' for fuck sake.. if you say you're gonna do something.. is it just a testosterone thing to not be able to do it?? from shrubs to calls? am i asking to much? because i realized in a fit of rage powerful enough to uproot fucking shrubs that have roots to the summer olympics,that I don't need to be rescued. I have me.. the one person I'll always have. me. and if i'mlucky a few good friends along the way that are willing to help me pull the shrubs, call when they say, someone who lets me help them do their job...cuz they know it's my dream job and i'm to much of a coward to go forward with it.. and occasionally rescue me. From me.

Oatmeal, a candle and jack daniels~

2008-08-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

oh and a crystal glass to drink it out of!

I have decided that my friends are much better people than me. My friends of course have known this for years and are probably shaking there heads and saying "well, maybe it's not to late for her!" It's not that I'm out harming babies and small animals, (actually it's quite the opposite with the small animals, take a look at my hand.) it's that while I've been out screwing around following some elusive life of fame and fortune meant for only the truly selfish, they've all settled down. they've done things like marry, more importantly, stay married. they've started families, bought homes, remembered there parents birthdays, gone home for christmas. the little things in life that make it fulfilling. Perhaps it's that they aren't as self indulgent as myself, perhaps it's that they know how to love others. me I only love a few and that would be my family, (all three of them) the aforementioned friends and of course my critters. above and beyond that, i got nothing. well, i've got what most would consider a great job and according to my boss only a chosen few are cut out for the abuse. hahahahaha what the abuse of working for me or me working for them? i make enough to survive, feed said critters and myself and occasionally buy goodies for said friends and family. this of course should be enough, but there's the selfish part. the part of me that wants people in my life only to push them so far over the edge that they cringe at the sound of my name. yes, that part. the part that seems to be inherent in me for god only knows why. my mom isn't this way, she has given the shirt off her back to people she doesn't know. she's sacrificed her life for others~ she's been my mom. my dad, well i'm not so sure about him. it's not for lack of knowing him, well it kinda is, i mean we have a handful of things in common and spend a few days together every 3 years or so. we may talk on the phone about that often in between. that again is my doing. I can write, text, send goodies but I can only talk on the phone once every full moon. o.k. that's not entirely true, I talk to my dear friend in the land of mormons and run away saints on a daily basis, but that's only because we really don't have to talk to each other.. we just kinda listen as the other goes on and on. we understand when we realize that the other has really hit on something when we realize that we're waiting to be rescued but only by someone that fits exactly into our criteria. having a stiff criteria of course guarantees that we can be jaded and bitter pretty much for ever. or, as we both know and have tried many times, settle. o.k. she can settle, me not so much, i'm to busy driving them to the edge, opening the door and insuring that they don't hit the edge as they fall over. the friends i have from home, there's not a single one of them that hasn't found the one they love. they've all opted to stay in a city that encourages people to do what they want. there's not a day that goes by that i don't wish i lived closer to them, closer to my mom but there's to many variables there, to many ghost waiting for me on almost every street corner. ghost that are more than willing to escort me on a tour of my life and what it really has been as opposed to the joy ride i've chosen to believe in.

what doesn't kill ya~just hurts.

2008-07-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that has been looming in the not so distant future for months. And just like anticipated it slapped me upside the head and made my eyes water.

My dear friend leaves today~ it's not the first time we've lived in separate states, it's not the first time one of us has embarked on a journey that only our critters will be a part of~ But it is the first time i've been left standing there with tears burning my face. Until now, I've been the one to leave, the one that always knew that i had a home to return to. My friends home. Even as I sit feeling the burning sensation in my stomach of the person left behind, I know it's for the best and she's beginning a life that she's always dreamed of. I know that she's endured a lifetime of hell in a year spent in a desolate lonely city, the one that I chose to come to.
One that even when you're with friends you're alone. Like I said, usually I look back and see my best friends standing there. Denial is still my emotion, or perhaps, lack of emotion, of choice. After so many years of trying to be happy, trying to make it work it just does now. Probably because my best friends have come and gone from here. It takes someone that knows no selfishness to pack up and move to hell based on the sound of their friends voice~ the sound of desperation and loneliness. It takes more than i have. i always opt to run. And thankfully, I've got friends that are willing to come after me and love me in spite of my actions. in spite of who I am and who I may become.
Scared would be the best way to describe a lot of this. What do you do when the person who drags you to the hospital when you're sure you don't need to go moves on? What do you do when you realize that there's no longer a person at your doorstep checking to make sure you've not burned your housed down? How long does it linger the realization that there's no longer anyone to come and get you in the middle of the night? How long do ya feel nothing but selfishness? There are but a handful of people that cross my mind when I think of giving it all away for their sanity. The choice we make to let so many pass through our lives is made acceptable by the few we fiercely hold on to.
Even in all this pity I am beyond thrilled for her. Even in know that my dog might starve I see her future brighter than she dreams it will be.
That doesn't change the fact that
I'm standing here, wishing I was holding the hand of my best friend.

congratulations are in order, I’m being whored out again~

2008-07-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

If the alternatives to being single are; an impatient 23 year old that thinks you’re toying with him when ya don't fuck him by the third date; a man in his 30's that thinks he's 23 and refuses to admit he may want to have a relationship and a lifeless body that can only bring himself to find joy in mountain biking and getting stoned~ I'll pass. This of course makes me wonder, is this it? Does my joy consist of roach hunting on a Saturday night with the boys? perhaps. And that is what I'm slowly realizing o.k. Usually I suck at ignoring my phone but this time.. not so much. Maybe it was the attitude that came with the comment on why I didn't want to cross the line.. Perhaps my friend it could be that you're a little to comfortable placing your revolver (yes a gun, no not the other!) on my mantle. Maybe it's that you're convinced that you're a demi god, do to the fact that you are part of one of the toughest forces in the U.S. I dunno.

Jesus, like I'm some kind of great catch. I'm the one that people are convinced is pathological cuz NO ONE LEAVES A LIFE OF ROCK 'N' ROLL! and on most days.. I can't figure it out. Recently, when I let my ex husband know how I felt (he was in the middle of a bout of self pity because he's still not the man he thought he'd be) about the fact that instead of running away as planned with his younger, smarter, prettier girlfriend to live in a fantasy land in the Rockies to chef and be free , he opted to stay in our house and live a life that was mine.. I let him know that it may be a touch his doing. Not more than a month ago , he called to tell me how great a show had been that night, at a venue that I worked at as head FOH for over a year with the label, that it has come to light, he didn't know was a major label or that I was at this venue, let alone the artist I primarily worked for, because he was to busy fucking around and convincing his idiot wife that she wasn't allowed in places that she previously found herself in daily because he now worked there and the policy is "No spouses allowed!" what the fuck happened to me? who let me whore myself out for that relationship? Heh, it kinda explains why i cheated.. and in hindsight when he said he felt relieved when he realized it, I shoulda done a hell of a lot more.

It's taken years of denial and believing that I've got a lifetime of eggs left but lets face it~ the odds of having a child are essentially zero , the proverbial clock hasn't the endless time it once did.. My clock and I are down to a finite schedule and due to lack of prospects and well I can’t imagine walking in and choosing from a book of potential donors. Hmm, this man looks like he’s not a sociopath, he has more of that child molester look. Ohh, this man has spent his life climbing mountains and running a fortune 500, is he perhaps afraid of commitment? or does he just has extra testosterone to share with the less fortunate? Not having a family is something that I’ve still not decided how I feel about. And due to the nature of the average adult, won’t discuss with all but the most intimate of friends. As we all know, deciding that you’re uterus is not willing to share it’s space with a small being that will, soon be the size of mini cooper is not the American way. Hell, it’s not the human way. What kind of person chooses to lead a life of debauchery and selfishness? It’s a given that the average person will say a sick one. Or one that is lacking in all but the most basic of compassion. o.k. that’s me. I’m in. Then again, is it that most have really considered what only some of us wonder about~ growing old alone? Not the brightest of outlooks and when I think of the ones I know that have, It’s not pretty. There was a woman in Hollywood that used to say “I never expected to live this long, why did I?” Up until the day she died she said it. And not in the ‘I’m oh so thankful that the universe has allowed me to see decades pass her by. She had a house full of memories but a life full of misery. Take me back to where we were so long ago. Take me down easy, take me down slow, by the side of the road.

There are a couple of thoughts that have passed my way recently, thoughts that made me laugh out loud. And if you read the above you know that it was to myself! How could it be that the first person to check to see if your boobs feel real is your boss’s 15 year old daughter? Granted she is about the only person that I wouldn’t hit, then again, she is the only one brave enough to lean over and actually grab one while I’m driving and say “wow, that feels like it’s real!” nice. real nice. This was followed by “I can’t wait till I’m 18 so I can get tatted up!” my response: “For the love of god don’t tell your mother, she’ll kill me!!!” supplying her with the occasional recreations such as cigarettes and booze, (under an adults supervision of course is one thing but (get over it, she's gonna do it so it may as well be with me!)...... as I well know, tatts are evil and should hold you back from any success outside of the entertainment and art industries. Can’t tell ya how excited I am for that to happen, I can hear the call now from a very distraught woman who will want to skin my tatted body. Then theres the offer I received recently~ the "could you please come back to Texas, I think I'm ready to settle." Yes, every womans dream proposal, if only it came with a chocolate and a condom.

My horrorscope swears that life is on the upswing.. I’m not so sure. It's not that it's bad in any way.. it's great but i have to admit that when you find it exciting to find a mou under your chair ya gotta wonder. What I am sure of is that I’m on more of an upswing than the poor lobster that I saw being scooped out of the tank for someone’s dinner last week. It actually brought tears to my eyes watching him trying to fight off the scoop with his little legs. How unfair is it that his claws are bound? Needless to say, my days of eating lobster are over and I’m going to be dedicating my extra time to the “LTL” foundation. In case you’re wondering this is the new animal welfare group that I’ll be heading up. ‘Liberate the Lobsters!’. O.k. maybe not but I sure as hell won’t be eating one anytime soon. It’s something that will stay with me for awhile. It’s right up there with the swan that had the misfortune of being in the middle of a busy road at rush hour and that was almost 10 years ago. Jesus, what’s wrong with me? I’ve seen people meet there demise, building explode and these are the things that affect me? Therapy might be in order. Therapy and the adhd meds that I continually forget to take. Honestly, who wants to concentrate? it appears to be overrated. When I do concentrate it results in things like hearing that you’re new trainee that has to go, has a sick wife and an autistic child. You get to hear things like the fact that your worst employee is going through menopause, these things are not things I want to hear from my mother let alone the crazy that spends her days trying to figure out what NOT to cry over. Then there's the employee that passed out when I threatened to fire her.. Christ, I really am a catch!

I don't mean no, i don't mean maybe~

2008-06-19T12:48:00.001-07:00

i mean definitely~

well it's been a long time coming but.. but it'si here!!

i have home internet. hahah it sounds like I've been living in the dark ages, well i have. it's been a really long year however, somehow I pulled through with flying colours if of course you don't count my social life. There was, of course that short stint in Feb/March when my pals boy was contemplating life in something akin to an 8x8 storage space. Then we had the 5 weeks of utter confusion with a boy and his Harley. A boy that really doesn't know anything about himself because, wait, key word boy. nough said.

it must be true, when your social life is in shambles it means your career is rolling high.

i got the promotion in record time and yes in my own little ego i do realize that i'm riding that rockstar wave based on the amount of time and status for what I've done. Then again, there's no one to share that with, because who really cares if you just got a job that averages 3 years in 1 year? Who cares, who understands. As a matter of fact the most often asked question i get is "Why are you doing this if you could be out on the road with famous people?" that my friends i can't answer. i can say that yes sometimes i really miss it. no, not the stuff that was done here in satans vast ranch of tumble weeds and middle age americans with a michelin tire around their middles. i mean the stuff that put me on the map. the stuff that most, even some of the dearest people in my life roll their eyes at and say.. "wow that must have been fun." translating to~ yeah we fucking believe that. go drink another bottle of that fine red wine with a twist off cap. (keep in mind that almost all the winerys are switching to this.. it's green.) fuck green, well not kermit. I love kermit. i can say that i have a friend that single handedly let me know that i didn't sell out. that she's proud of me, even if i do wear designer clothes everyday that hide all the ink i've worked so hard to get. thank you shelly.

anyway, i miss it. i really do. but i love the money. i love the security, i love the benefits of being upper mngmt somewhere that allows me to do things that once again, middle america dreams of. hell, harley boy dreamed of it and had issues with me doing things that only men in there 50's are supposed to accomplish let alone a woman.. a woman who intimedates all that cross her path.. without even opening her mouth. strange that is, you either do or don't but if you do.. well it's kinda exhausting constantly trying to let people know you're not what they think.. so eventually, you realize you are and it's you and no matter what they say, you're fine. that and soon enough i'll publish a song that makes more than all this combined.. time my friends, time and a tuned guitar.
lets face it no matter how i look at it my life is a royal flush. sometimes i forget that. sometimes i get a little lonely and wish that i could bring everyone here. instead the few that i have are migrating away ironicly (due to the fact that they don't care for each other one little bit) on the same day. so if there are any tears to be imparted on me go ahead~ i've a designated day to shed them. that translates to.. fuck off. landing on your feet ain't so tough. it's the fucking trail that has those switchbacks at the worse time..it's a long fall when ya do. and it hurts like hell when ya finally hit the bottom.
one of my friends is proof positive that belief and a whole lot of SELF PITY in between, will get you where you need to go. perhaps, (yes, this is my favorite word well it's in the top five.) she now believes in what she is. now, with a little luck she believes in who she is. i'm gonna miss her. makes me teary to even think about it and i hope she remembers being here with a little fondness. we'll see. she's leaving here a whole lot better than when she came and i thing living here forced her to take action to get this job.

and to my dear friend in Kansas.. the one that i keep hoping will hop a plane and visit me again... I have a real bed for you.. i have a real room... i've got connections you know??? heh.
hey girl, i'm committed to running a half marathon in November.. but had to stop training till August.. you got advice???

2008-05-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

I think the deep freeze might be over~
yes, feel free to bitch slap that comment right out of me~
maybe even all those far away will come visit soon?

This summer is gonna be interesting~
it's amazing what a few well timed words and actions can do.
it's amazing that somehow even though it offends me beyond words when I hear it~I keep landing on my feet. On top no less. And lets face it, what girl doesn't prefer to be on top?

o.k. gotta go run~
gotta get up on out of here~
gotta keep a straight face later when I'm dying to move away from all that at in that place~

it does not matter~

2008-04-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

It does not matter where you go… It does not matter what I think is true. If we’ve not felt it now, then perhaps we buy the maps from the boy on the corner, we might need to know where the stars lead us someday. Maybe we swallow our pride and help him eat today.. Jesus, don’t look like your Anglo Saxon hero.. He’s trying to cross the river in a boat with fifteen others, swaying in the tide, praying to Mary this is not the last thing he finds true.

It would be much to soon for them to die. Aren’t they crossing over, crossing over into a land that makes it better? Then tell me my friend, what the hell happened to you? We’re you so busy watching everything fade? Was it worth it, all the energy spent hating, hating all that didn’t fit the bill of what you’d like to see run your country.. If my skin is to dark for you are you afraid that it will rub off on your children?

Your life has been a lie. Yes, you can come running, send hateful mail, do what it is that makes it so you can keep your pride above ground. Then when you're done, brush off your knees, stand upright, breathe and hold tight, Cuz it's time you lived for what it's worth. It’s not even time for every fat s.o.b. in middle America to pack their bags, head west and start smoking anything green, in hopes that they can make up for lost time.... That time is lost, their inner childs have shriveled up and died, the dreams of waking ... waking up and living a life that is so confusing, fucked up and well, happy that many don't even know what it's like to be liven here, existing on the air that rushes thru their veins~ surprise. Are you surprised?

What? When will this start making sense? Is this another rant of nothing that only junkies, lovers and slightly depraved will define? Yes. Probably. Maybe if we all tried to think of someone else, even something so simple as giving grace we might find ~ What drives a soul to step outside of themselves, step out force what they feel unto someone unsuspecting, someone who desires nothing more than to be here in this time, on this day, asking nothing more than to be, to be with me and you. We're not talking cowboys and clowns here, this is not about people feeling desolate and alone on a dusty plane.. this is not about someone who heads to their bunk and fumbles around for that tub of wet ones that will remove all traces of what's gone down in their make believe day.. This is about the sicko's that can't seem to figure out that if they go home at night, if they find their bunks and just take the effort to wipe off all the pathetic attempts of another day gone by... If they wipe away all the anger from that day they just might feel the urge to turn all that confusion to something less than a land mine. Is it plain laziness that causes someone to write a note to their beloveds, load a gun and enter a room, a room full of innocents... a room full of kids that have no idea what a Big Bird is..these are souls that must believe that Tickle Me Elmo is a wretched rash~ Why, why would you chose to take that element out of life? What would make a human so distraught that they think their better than god? Are people so sick and wretched that they want to punish their fantasies? even when those fantasies are innocent children? What string breaks the balance, the balance that keep you from digging a hole in the wet ground, the balance that makes you realize that if you really wanted the world would be much better if you'd just saddle up and ride~ Ride away from what torments your soul.. This America, this is a country that allows you to drop your unwanted child no questions asked at a firestation, a hospital, a mall... But we can't seem to get it right for the kids that we're wanted.. The kids that are meant to grow up and be our presidents, our futures, the kids that will make this world right.

When we are done worrying about our precious country being run by little men, presidents that appreciate a good blowjob under pressure, prostitution and all the other things that make life go round, maybe we can find the time to start checking out how to make it safer for the innocents of our time...

Has it occurred to know one that god is not making saints like he use to? That we're spending a lot of time and money making sure Jesus doesn't cross that pond and walk into the land of the free~ Hey, mr. senator has it occurred to you that Jesus, he ain't gonna pick up a gun and blow us all away... He's happy to cook your food, clean up after you and your fat middle American wife~ surprise, surprise...if we'd all just listen, maybe we'd stop.. stop making each other crazy....

If we took the time to touch each others faces, while they're still warm we might find a way to make it stop.. Stop making us crazy.

If we pay enough attention, we might actually hear what's going on, we might hear the future, crying out, begging us to pray~

really?

2008-04-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

everyone knows that words are more powerful than fire. I'd say than anything but you can't put out a fire with them.

i am amazed at how people will use anything and everything to justify their moods. something so simple as a misinterpretation of words. yet, rather than ask, they will let everyone know, except the writer of said words, that they are angry, fed up and hate life because they feel trapped in positions that the writer created, as it easy to blame the writer, as it is always easier to take it out on the ones you're closest to.

All that can be said at this point is~ I’m sorry you’re frustrated, I’m sorry you feel trapped, I’m sorry that you’re tired, I’m sorry that you’re not sure that what you’ve got is what you want. But, I’m not sorry that I love you and that you’re a dear friend.

with that, all i can say is.. here we go again.

brace yourself for the landing~

2008-04-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

accusations and allegations were thrown down today that charged the room like a thunderstorm rolling in over the plains. If there had been any warning we may have taken cover, or at the very least, taken up arms.

it has always been my way that by walking into a room I can create bitter enemies.

the simple action of my passing by can cause even the mellowest of souls to change moods, leave there otherwise calm demeanors to let me know, that I am not welcome.

why this is, is beyond me. I am not pretty, I am not smart, nor am I hideous or stupid. Plain once again comes into description. There is an air about me that follows me through life. This air, I’ve been told is one of strength and people who find themselves not having to land on their feet and watch every angle tend to resent it. Personally, I’m not sure that I believe that it is strength. About a year before my marriage went to hell, and I was leaving the record label I remember telling the president that my husband and I were through Out of no where it just came out, I didn’t have a clue when it actually slapped me upside the head. His response~ “you’ll be o.k., you will always land on your feet .” I remember being so offended by this remark thinking it off hand and, well unkind. Perhaps, I was offended by the fact that I made such a ridiculous statement. Now, I’m learning a couple of years down the road that it was quite the opposite. What I took to mean that I was selfish or opportunist, meant just what was said, I do always land on my feet. Maybe not gracefully and it may result in some scars but some how it happens.

But, are these scars what causes my hesitation right now? Are these scars what make me move in the wrong direction or even no direction? Tonight, sadly, I came home and found myself in front of the t.v. for 5 hours. WHO DOES THAT??? really? There are so many things I should do~ clean my closet, the spare room, walk the dog. There are so many things that I forget that I want to do~ practice guitar, run, walk the dog! It’s embarrassing to myself to be a vegetable. Granted it was a 12 hour day proceeded by a 10 hour day and a nine before that. Yes, woe is me, blah blah. Thankfully, this does not happen often.(the t.v. part, i've found that if i don't have a long day , i'm lost.)

If I were smart I’d stop fucking with my own head and figure life out. But if you read above smart is not a real issue.

Accusations and allegations should never be thrown by people out of desperation. They should be carried lightly and laid down with a delicate finesse. If not, then it’s likely that a war will be waged. As there is now. Well, as there will soon be. It is almost unimaginable that a multi billion dollar “brotherhood” has a strong desire to throw down the gloves with me. What on earth is the point? is it because they sense I’m weak? or is it as the rumor spreading~ I’m a viable threat. Either way, what will happen when the one above me moves on? will the person replacing me be the target? no. not based on history.

If there is something I’ve learned yet, some how constantly forget, it’s this~

We walk into this life alone, we walk through it alone and most likely we will leave it alone. so whatever you do, don’t fuck yourself in the head. buck up. stand up. believe in what you say. Because you may be the only one believe you but you’re not the only one observing. Does this mean that I don’t think we will have loved ones to share our lives? no. Does this mean that I don’t think we will have people to pick us up when we fall? no. It simply means that if you want to land on your feet and possible catch others when they fall, know how to run your life on your own.

2008-04-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

582 reasons why today was, well, just a day.

O.k. maybe three.

The realization that for the first time in all your years you allowed yourself to use and be used, strictly, unequivocally, for sex and sex only. You know this because you have nothing to say to said person, and the only reason you're desperate to see him again is because... You shouldn't. If in the future I can keep all this in mind instead of doing something stupid, like, well… texting him. jesus am I twelve???

Reason number two~

The power that rules the micro planet that you work, eat and breathe in is being friendly and what he considers perhaps, witty. This is always a daunting situation as it will most decidedly be followed by a harsh blow to your ego via; your work ethic / conduct.. The way you run a division that has no relation to yours but you know it has to be done to keep the all mighty happy. Mind you the power that be is not a bad person, and in the real world, you might even have a drink with this person. No, in the real world this person would see who you really are and pretend not to know you. It is embedded in your brain the look of disappointment they'd have upon seeing you in your street clothes. Seeing that you're always in another time zone most likely involving music. You know that for every "Good Job there Texas!" yes, they call me texas. there are a thousand great nick names out there and I score one that doesn't belong to me. It's been given to me due to the silly drawl I have when I say I'm tired or when I'm threatening to

fire

one of my fine employees... Nice real nice. Anyway, I can hear it now, "Now Texas, you know better than to_____________," not clean the pool, stock the bar on the 6th floor, repaint the spa.

You get the picture.

Reason number three~

It's hot. It's really bloody hot, in April. O.k. hot is fine. April is fine but as a combination the two are just not right. It doesn't help that I have to wear full body armor to to work, so as to spare middle america and more aptly the executives of my micro world the possibility of seeing a needle prick of unnatural color upon my body. nough said.

Ahh life had to be easy at some point. But if it was I probably didn't appreciate it. Truly my fate is and probably always will be to be in the eye of the storm, taking in whatever I can focus on in a fleeting glance.

Recently I read an article that suggested instead of asking "why don't I have a man?" you should say "what can I do to make my life better at this point?" excuse me, but isn't the answer obvious??? Buy a new vibrator.

My staff is convinced that if I get laid I'd mellow out. Part of me would like to say ~well kids, it's not making me any mellower, par normal, it's making me crazy because I only want what I can't have. So the desired effect is not what I get. Me, well I get another level of stress, please see opening rant, which boils down to, it's not that good but it's not good for you, hence you want it bad!

Getting laid isn't the issue.. if it were, then I'd be fine.. I can be the only woman in a strip joint and every stripper will be on me.. Why? I have no idea.. 200 men and I get women. To bad that's not what I desire in life! haha when I reread that I will laugh. If i wanted it.. I'd somehow make it really tough to get.

It’s well past twelve and tomorrow is another 12 hour day. Another day that will require my utmost patience and diligence… It is another day of me pretending to be an adult and getting paid for it.

2008-04-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time coming the change, the challenge that’s in the air.

It’s caused pain for many for so long, this dissidence that makes so many tired, longing for anything that could bring peace, unity perhaps even humility to their lives. a humility that is not brought on by not bragging about what you’ve got. a humility that is brought on by not bragging about what you’ve lived through. it seems that there are past generations that know this, they know that it is not how you react but how you to choose to exist after the decimation.

is it right that these chosen few waited for someone smaller and singular to make a world stance? is it right that they diverted the dreams of so many, so many that have waited a life time to carry out their wish. These are not just elite athletes, these are not just wealth people that can carry the weight, but don’t) of the world. These are also chosen people. these are people that have a cause, a dream as well.

we know that a change is gotta come. I know it and you know it. there are millions repressed everyday. there are millions beaten beyond any physical violence. is a simple diversion really the answer?

maybe.

the cure has to be better than the~

2008-04-03T02:20:00.001-07:00

here we are again...

it's dark here...
it's cold..
no recollection..
no one home..

well then, o.k.

work is well, daunting. if i'm not a complete cunt there's not a soul that takes me serious. it's not a bad job.. i actually kind of like it.. in the if i'm not gonna live on a bus and drown my soul in music that may or may not be me, i'd rather do this type of way. in other words, i really do like it.

i'm feeling, well, nothing. my friends are gone for the time being. one runs across state lines every time she feels this way, i'm beginning to wonder if she's got it right. i tried it once, but it was not as easy as she makes it seem. then again, she has no kids.. i mean, lets face it you can't get anymore difficult to travel with than two finicky felines and a fat aussie. then again, maybe i should..

the other, she is in bliss. for now. that alone makes it o.k that she's gone. however, i hope it's not for long. (the gone part) i hope she's in bliss forever. it's my own selfishness that makes me lonely when i'm driving home and want to call my friends.. it's my own lack of growing up that makes it so that i'm the only one that isn't at home with a family. has the selfishness of years of living in the eye of the storm, believing that i was a part of something bigger than god come to slap me in the face? do they know my name? do the know the game? do they know the music i made? no. but they do know the bands that are still out there. the type of people out there have changed.. they are, well, not my tribe. probably for the best, or i'd still be out there crossing a new state line every night, wondering where i am.. getting up and running for coffee at any coffee shop so i can feel an inkling of normalcy.

normalcy, i have none. well, i have as much as i do social skills. met a boy. kinda liked him.. can't seem to convey that. o.k. well, i can but i chose not to. something screams protect yourself at all cost~ something screams ~ don't open yourself up enough to find yourself flat out looking up and wondering why it all changed. knowing when it did.

I can't relate to you~

2008-03-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

if at any time you had the chance to feel completely as one with someone,

the one someone who picks you up when you're down~

the someone that allows you to be who you are even though if may sacrifice what they had in mind~

someone that holds you closer than god~ someone that allows the world to fall around you~

someone who blocks you from what could be blindingly painful if it hit you~ and when it does hit you and blindsides you so badly that you hit the floor with a thousand people around~

that someone lets you fall~ that someone picks you up~ that someone holds you tightly~ long enough for you to recover~

you'll never see that someone again, after that set~ after all those set backs in such a short period of time~

this someone held you in a sense that no one ever has~

that someone made you feel safe~secure in being whom you are~ that someone, you'll never see again~

would you let your guard down and let that someone in? knowing that you'll never repay them~ knowing that that person is in bedded in your soul but will never be yours again, in this life time

perhaps it’s that you never possessed that person and that’s why he chose to be in your space at your time~

that person reinstates your faith, your faith in something you never had. That person, gave you more that you've ever been given, without your begging, without tasking you to be anyone but whom you are.

Would you take that person for what they are? Are you thankful for them for what they brought?

Is it a form of salvation that you found your way into his space and time? Is it a form of pain that you walked in closed off, closed off until you felt the driving bass hit your soul~

Is this what makes you lose your mind and feel like your about to testify for what you’ve got~ Do you justify it when you know down in your soul~ he belongs to another?

If you can close your eyes and move to what you feel~ if you can close your eyes and see things that only very few will know~ then you’ve spent your time well.

Dearly beloved, dearly beloved, dearly beloved,
I can't relate to you, I can't relate to you!

clearly, not enough red wine!

2008-03-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

everyone has perspective.

where it lies must depend on where you are in life. or more likely, where you’ve been.

tonight I sat with a friend in the driveway polishing off another fine bottle of twenty dollar wine. this in itself makes me realize that it’s perspective. in the last half of year I’ve come to know many that would rather starve, well, stay sober than let their lips touch a glass filled with anything less than the finest that italy has to offer. me, I’ll pass. as a matter of fact, it has occurred to me that a bottle of silver is finer than most things in life. had you asked me if I felt this way several months ago, I’d have gone for the bourbon every time. if, in a conversation you’d have asked me if I could fuck a man after two hours of conversation and know that we’ll probably never talk again, but we’ll undoubtedly pass each other on the street, I’d have gone for the bourbon instead then as well. perspective

life, not unlike sex is something that you have to roll with. you may find yourself down, and realizing it’s not where you want to be. with this you’ve got two options.. stay there or move along. if ya have any respect for yourself you won’t worry about finishing the job at hand. then again, maybe you take pride in your work and will feel the need to finish what you started. perspective

how many times have I looked in the mirror and wondered who’s ass this is? figured it’s bigger than Wichita, only to be told not even 24 hours later it’s the best someone’s ever seen. then as the thought crosses my head, is it to much to ask that it be someone that I actually care what they think of my ass? perspective

my friend has a man, a man that worries about her existence to the core. right down to what part of town she works in.. he doesn’t care that she has a man walking her to her car, gun locked and loaded, he knows this town and he doesn’t want his woman in it. he’d rather see her sling’n drinks in a strip joint that he can wait for her in the parking lot in. he feels like the great protector, she feels crowded. it could be that he’s in an 8x8 cell for the last 80 days.. perspective.

most days I watch and wonder what the hell I’m thinking, why, I would let things that are so beyond my control effect me. or more importantly, things that I brought on, things I wished for, things that when they hit me affect me in a devastating manor. I never loved the last man in my life, yet when we were through you’d have thought I was a woman lost in a world without a soul to hold on to. without a friend to reach for. perspective.

perhaps, it’s akin to the feeling you have when someone you love gets drunk and lets ya know just how they feel. how they really see you. that they know your not someone, that you’re wrong all along. perspective

how can it be that a boy, 1500 miles away, that was a fling at best, knows to stop calling for the amount of time that someone may be showing a bit of mercy and letting you know that it’s not the end. that someday, it might be fun to go down and around again. then he’ll pick up the phone and try again. he’ll say he’s been wondering why? why?

why what? perspective

it can’t be the beginning of the end. it can only be the beginning. it can’t be depraved to want to wake with someone that grabs you before you step into traffic. someone that holds you by the waist as you lean into the surf, lost, lost in whatever is in your mind that is so strong. something that pulls out the best, the worst side of you. it can’t be that you have to settle, and strive for what you want in someone that can barely see you standing there. do you have to hide the strength that makes you live, the part that makes you loud, the thing that makes you live for it all. is that what scares people beyond belief? is that what makes a man stop and stand in the middle of the street and declare his undying love and yet let you know you’re the biggest cunt he’s ever seen, in the same sentence. perspective

is there something, something that lets the world know that you’re greatest fear is being found out? that you counter each and every day with ways to hide your shyness? how do you let them know? the strength they see is what you hide behind, you know it as fear. perspective.

why does it hurt more to be denied by what you never had, than it does not be denied by one you’ve dedicated time too? perspective

maybe someday, I’ll sit down and write, really write it out. the who, what, where and when. as it stands most look at me like I’m the greatest story teller in all the world. how can you walk away from what most dream about? how could you possibly believe that there may be more than waking up in a new city everyday. how could anybody want anything less than to stand in front of tens of thousands and do something that most have no concept of. more over, how could ya not do it when doing it would insult some of the least desired people in your life. perspective.

I hope he calls. I hope he doesn’t call. perspective.

full moon and bottle of red wine!

2008-03-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

what might it be that after a half bottle of the finest pinot one can buy for, say 15.00 and a valum that one begins to think about life. And perhaps, what it may bring. Or not bring. In this case, well at this time I've decided that it'll be best to run with what is coming as opposed to what was awaiting the right turn in the road, while of course I chose to go left. Then again it may have been the other way around. (the left right thing that is.)

My horoscope swears that this is the time of my life. My life swears that I'm still waiting for one. O.k. that's a little dank. It's probably best to say that my professional life is at the top of it's game and looks to be staying there. This lends to the lack of personal life that is lingering in my presence. Even if I may wonder that having two cats and a fat dog may be my destiny it can't be true. Honestly, it takes all of your teens, twenties and hell for that matter a chunk of your thirty's to decide if you even like yourself. Let alone if you'll be moving ahead with whom you are or rerouting immediately and starting over.

Today, painstakingly I reviewed all my finances and wondered if I'd take care of a debt that is mine, however under the circumstances to which things have gone, I've sworn to my brother that i'd never pay in return he'll not ruin this person reputation or for that matter pin his snake. No that's not sexual!!!. Perhaps in time should some apologies come about I'll do it. Heh, then again. It took the better part of a year for me not to feel sick to my stomach every time I saw a dark SUV pass my way for not wanting to exchange bitter words. It took three months into the relationship to realize I'd made a dreadful mistake. Why then did I let it get to me? Who knows, who cares. Made me stronger and well, actually happier than i've been in years to move on.

Tejas, oddly enough just when I think I've closed that chapter, he calls. damn. o.k. it makes me happy!

i'm wondering how Tanya is.. And my connection is to slow to get on and see! If ya read this I'm thinking of you.. And want you to come visit! If I have to come out there.. Well, I'd probably be run out of town!

Oh no here we go again~

2008-02-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

Life is great! It always amazes me when I go to my dear friend Tanya's blog and see my name. It's something that keeps me going when I feel like I'm alone here in my little world of middle management. This of course translates to~ I have no life because all i do is work!

Working in this bizarre world is interesting to say the least.. I'm on the cusp of being something.. yet, well. NOT. heh.

Spring is almost here and the best thing ever has happened.. I HAVE A FRIEND FROM HOME IN TOWN. AND I SOME HOW SCORED TWO DAYS OFF!

Shelly is here. to say that I'm thrilled is beyond me.. today is a day of red~rock canyon then, I believe, some serious drinking..

life is good... yep, that's me that said that.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas!

2007-12-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe the year is about over..
It's hard to believe that I fell off the face of the earth for a job.. I miss my friends and family.. more than i can say.. if I'm lucky they've not forgotten me!

I'd say I deserve a little more, but it's starting to come together right down to the reindeer with a moving head outside my window..

It feels good.. it feels good to begin again... lots to document.. lots to edit.

Maybe the extra hours off after the new year will afford me that..

O.k. I'll make it happen.

you need a hobby~

2007-10-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

The response to this was~ I have one, the boys that make me crazy!
Not exactly the answer that is needed to, well, I dunno stop think'n about anything and everything but work! Speaking of the above topics boys and work at any point are they low enough on the food chain that as an executive they can be used for fun? Probably not~ this surely is for the best.

The texan.. well, as sweet and lovable as he is.. he's gotta hit the curb... babysitting is not something i really wanna do. sadly, he's the closest to the real thing that I've been around in years.

Spending my only day off in god only knows how long waiting for the direct t.v. guy is not my idea of fun.. Then again, the only thing that needs to be done is chores! chores and finding a new dry cleaner as the one that's within a decent distance of my home has lost my clothing, lost what they haven't fucked up.

I'm wondering how my friends are.. Every time I get a chance to call it's about 2 in the morning and that will win me points with abosolutely NO one. Today the deadly mistake was made of breaking down my yearly salary into an hourly rate.. Listen to me boys and girls.. no matter how great your salary is.. DON'T DO IT! It'll make ya cry every time.

Maybe the rest of the day should be spent looking for a better class of drugs.. you know, the kind that make life easy? heh.

you don't have my faith so you can keep your belief~

2007-10-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

Well, since I've talked to all of two people since returning to hell, I figured that I should start updating my blog a bit~

This new job is like living in an alternative universe and not a very pleasant one at that. Had it been mentioned what kind of hell it is being in a high profile position that anyone and everyone with a title has to see how your doing on a daily basis.. Well, it's kinda like being on display.. B if you're reading this you're saying "So, get over it. Get your ass out there and smile!"

It's bizarre being back from Texas. Every time I go there I love it.. And finding a boy or two there never helps....

Working at a different place where, well you're the youngest and you'd rather chew off your arm than interact with your people doesn't help.. what happened to fuck and run? what happened to "what happens in vegas stays in vegas???" How can anything happen when it's so fucking, well, I'd really like to go back and see the boys in texas..
Question of the day posed to me "Do you think you'll start moving outside that mile range anytime soon?" heh.. my friends suck.

2007-09-15T00:40:00.001-07:00

huh, well..

if ya had asked me even 48 hours ago, I'd have said.. Yeah, right....

2007-07-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

It has to be for the best that we don't choose who wears walking shoes in our lives~ That being said, why is it such an ordeal when it's not our choice that they've donned those shoes and headed out that door? Isn't it reality that somehow we've made that choice? In all honesty, think of all that have hit the path of least resistance do you really care?

Our love came down to 86.00, oh and some change.

2007-07-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

It is either amazing or I'm a bloody geek for the amount of joy I get when I see little creatures in my yard~ well, in my life. Stanley~Raymond was doing his best job at blocking my computer screen looking out the window.. acting, well, like he's king of the jungle... It's a baby quail in my desert ridden 112* yard..I've no idea where it's family is.. I just know it's adorable and my first inclination is to go out and try to save it.. Which of course it does not need..

The 4th has come and gone and it was par normal~an event in the sound world.. Ended up in Laughlin where it was 123* in the shade.. Honestly, why? why? Our stage was right on the Colorado river and it may have been a grand day had I not the misfortune of working with tweetledee and tweetledumb.. Not sure how these two land gigs, except for knowing that the man I often work for is a fucking saint. That said, he has a mean streak and gets great joy out of putting me and B on the same gigs.. Fortunately, that's not happened in almost a month.. Life is better with out him.. And I've resigned to the fact that some of my family is gonna have the passive aggressive S.O.B. around.. Now kids this is a man that has refused to Man up on many an issue and has balls enough to try and strong arm me over 86.00 that I owe him.. I admit I owe it.. and I will pay it... It's a monthly sum that's gonna be around for awhile..And he'd have gotten it for June had he not shown up on my door step and said.. "I knew you wouldn't pay me!" Right then and there I realized where the relationship went to hell: it went to hell the moment I showed the least bit of vulnerability.... That's when he knew the woman he loved was not as tough as she came across as.. That's when he knew that he could get the upper hand by becoming Passive~Aggressive.. When I think about it, my last two major relationships have been doomed by this.. I go in tougher than hell, then as time, possibly years, marches on and it's seen that contrary to popular believe I don't always land on my feet.. That's when it comes in. When it's noted that in my eyes the biggest sin I can create is when I piss off the ones I love.. I can't handle when they're mad at me.. this is where I get kicked in the ribs.. That kind of kick that takes the wind out of you and makes you hesitate before you move on in life.

Now that I know this do i get some kind of medal? Is there some kind of special recognition that comes in knowing that showing that you're not made of steel is perceived as weakness? who the fuck knows.. not me. Do I now need to be something I'm not? Or do I go in letting them know I cry at the site of a cute bird in my lawn?."
I've been this way my whole life.. at one point my shrink said to me "It's amazing you survive in this world, you are indeed an open wound" My first reaction was "If people know this why do they keep applying salt?" heh.. maybe it's been to many years in rock'n'roll that's made me it so I can hide the side that appears to be human.... Maybe I just failed to develop in the human relation part of my brain.

Yesterday, I made the mistake of asking somebody out that's been flirting with me for, oh, three months or so.. Pretty much since the day of the big move... Only to be told.. NO.. unequivocally, NO.. as a matter of fact the way it went down is damn funny.. He works at the vets office where I take "the mu" for his daily meds.... It's generally to busy for us to chat and well, neither of us want to deal with the Yenta's in the front office.. So, I made the mistake of going through one of the Yenta's to get his number.. Jesus, you'd have thought I created a mortal sin.. He actually had her call me back and say.."If I were interested, which I am not" it is completely unprofessional for a Dr. to date a patient.. Hello? Mu is the patient and he's not even his Vet.. Yes, I see the humour in this, I can't wait to see him again at the office.. which of course won't be long, because well, I'm gonna enjoy it. Somewhere I've turned some kind of corner because not long ago I'd have been crushed by this... Damn it.. I really would just like to find a boy toy that
a) has a brain.
b). doesn't live with his parents.
C) I find well, appealing enough to have sex with.. Damn it. How can this be so impossible?

Then there's cute but dumb.. I've worked a couple of gigs with him, the first being in May. He's cute enough so, I enquired, only to be told "he's not the least bit interested!" ( I swear I must have two heads and a giant wart on my nose) Anyway, I let it go, because I'm told this on the day that the ex decided to show up at a rather large family event, and that alone made me "others insist on being excited to see him.. This will be, of course, directly after they've told me what a rat fucker he is. Anyway, it turns out, Cute but Dumb is not put off by me.. not at all, intimidated, but not put off.. This I discovered when he appeared at the los lobos show we recently did.. He did lights... Well, he did his best.. Everything was fine, until show time and somebody forgot to tell him that I'm the man...And if i tell you to do something, do it. The poor kid (yes, he's only 25) couldn't get out of there fast enough.. One of the guys I work with watched me send C~D through hoops all day, really funny ones at that.. Only to see him run... S looks at me and says "Yes, you do scare men.. Perhaps you should find a real one." To bad real men don't come along like the cute little birds that come into my life. Or closer to reality, perhaps I should stop wanting the ones that don't want me.. heh.. where's the challenge in that?

Oh and could he not be a passive aggressive mother fucker???

O.k. back to the 4th on the way home that night I saw a fox.. once again I got giddy.. Yes, I did.. Not unlike the time I saw the wild cat under the "Welcome to Oklahoma" sign on my way to Chicago. I'm such a nerd.. The gig before that it was a full moon and S and I could actually see the shadow of my car at 3 a.m. when we were driving back.. Amazing.. I hate the desert, but I love it too.. It's got a beauty that can't be matched.

O.k. I've got to get my work done so I'm prepared for my interview tomorrow, I know full well that after 5 hours of working in the heat I'm not gonna wanna come home and prep for it..It'll be amazing enough if I can get through the morning with out a splitting headache.. It really doesn't seem to matter how much water you drink.. you get dehydrated..

you're either stupid or you just don't care~

2007-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today started o.k.. then I answered my phone..
Now I'm just agro with the world.. Is it to much to ask that the ex just go away? why be nice to my family? Why does my family fall for it? Now I'm just wanting to stay away.. and I will.
There's still no resolution on the medical stuff.. I have insurance and I'm still at the mercy of the medical system.. fuckers.

There's probably lots of good stuff for me to say, but for the life of me I'm not sure what it is.. All I know is really stupid stuff is upsetting me. I wish I could blame PMS. blah.. o.k if I'm just gonna vent then I shouldn't write at all...

2007-06-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

Somethings in life are so poetic, without even tyring. Like the good Friday that the gangs of Chicago gave away free heroin and all the city could do was watch.. That was damn funny, and I hope that I d.document it before I forget it.

Then there is now, here in this lovely city that should be by a bay~

"Cheerleading coach at Local high school busted for prostitution ring."

Now come on, unless you're just hollier than, oh, Jerry Falwell that's pretty fucking funny stuff. (please note, that he has probably visited said brothel.) No, now before y'all start getting your panties in a bunch, she did not use the girls she was "coaching.." But, she did have a day in her honour last year per the lovely city that should be by a bay!

The key to love is to get out before it's to late~ the experience of love is to feel pain~ quick roll the credits before you really fuck it up!

2007-06-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

Par normal, I’ve not written when I’ve had so much to say and representing the ADD people of the world, I’ve all but forgotten it.

Knowing this I try to keep notes of what makes my life go around.. Sometimes it works.

As far as work goes, for the first time in a long time I did a show that made me happy to be in the biz.. Jimmy Scott. He actually made me pay attention to more than the frequencies at hand; his performance was powerful enough for me to really listen to him as an artist. Rare, rare indeed.

Tomorrow I leave for L.A. to remove my little friend. To shed unwanted tissue, it is sad the hoops one must jump through to get taken care of, yet I must say I’m thankful in this situation that my doctor has moved as fast as he has.. The radiology folks have a waiting list till the end of August, how can that be? you find a lump and they make you wait? I can’t imagine… Awkward describes it at best, to know that there is something with you, that well, shouldn’t be. How do you explain to the guys that you work with that you can’t lift something because somebody has sliced into your assets? Don’t think their an asset? well, then you’ve not had the thought of not having them. All of a sudden, their assets. Trust me. Yes, I’ll admit I’ve always liked mine.. I’m one of the few lucky and if I’d have known that going braless doesn’t cause sagging hell, I’d have shown them off plenty.. Then again, really great bras do a fine job too.

Today has been an amazing June day in the desert… Windy and cool, well, cool in the sense that it’s cloudy and in the low 90’s and after several weeks of relentless sun it’s amazing. Peezer and I hit RedRock and hiked up into Calico basin, the only problem with this is, snakes. Yes, snakes are always in the back of mind. Is one sun bathing on the rock we’re about to crest? Is that stick across our path moving? Yep, that’s what hiking is to me.. On the one hand there is nothing more amazing than the desert when it’s not so bloody hot that you can’t enjoy it. Mu and Stanley~raymond are loving the house! Mu is now known as my little car payment and well, as long as he keeps on fetching! He's a bloody full time job and and I don't mean for his health, he's been playing nonstop lately, even wrestling with the power puss. I love it.

Something so funny just occurred as I used my little word/spelling program to check for errors~ It told me to use “People” instead of “Guys”. bwhahahahaha I don’t work with people, I work with guys. Since I’m on work I will say, that complete indifference is the exact opposite of love and that my friends is much easier than being kind. Especially when that kindness is somehow manipulated into making you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Like you’re the sole reason it didn’t work. Besides, it’s taken me a long time to be able to smirk and really mean it, you know, from my heart.

2007-06-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

life is better with the internet.. Life is better in my house..life is better all the way around~ event the triple digits aren't gett'n to me. lots to catch up.. will sit down tonight and get started..

why you'd come home to the same damn town? why you'd come back, is it really worth another round?

social lives are over~rated

2007-05-16T00:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not sad anymore.. is this the next step? I'm ambivalent.. it doesn't seem so bad.. just a little confusing. Normally I'm, well, overly emotional.. No, this is not something I'm proud of, it just usually is. Ambivalence makes me happy.

Last night at a very busy intersection in north las vegas I found a bird.. a bird that has no right to be in the desert southwest.. a bird that belongs in a lush swamp of the southeast, a flightless bird. It took over two hours to catch it, then another, oh 12 to find someone to take it! When I finally found an organization and got it to the place a very pleasant fellow came out and said "ohhhh, this type is mean and dumb, how on earth did you catch it?" I was so overwhelmed by the full event that I really didn't ask as many questions as I'd have liked to. After this, I came home and napped..then got up and made nice with my local starbucks guy who yelled at me for asking for soy milk in my coffee a few weeks back.. He apologized! wow, I told him I'd been having a few bad days myself and we called it even.. I can't even say how nice it was for him to acknowledge the whole fiasco because I'd kinda been steering clear of this store.. and it's the one right by my house.

hmmm, I feel so calm.. for the first time, in well, since well before E and I broke up.. Maybe this is all part of it.. moving on.. I hope so..

it's getting better all the time!

2007-05-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

2007-05-14-1311-20

There's a hummingbird with a baby in it's nest just off my deck. If I really tried I could touch her! The apartment may be dark and a bit depressing but it's got some great wild life: rabbits, (they eat the greens at the golf course behind me.) My wee hummingbird.... and well, I've seen some body parts for some kind of rodent that I just don't want to know what brought it to it's demise.

All this is not gonna change my mind on the house. It's ready for me on Sunday and I can't wait... the boys will have a yard, I'll have room to roam around in my own space, perhaps play guitar without feeling like I'm gonna hit a wall. I'll miss the pool, then again, I'm as pastey as you can get and covered in ink.. do i really need a pool?

Mothers Day was nice, Sheri, the girls, Jill (alyssa's mum) and Nancy came over to swim and eat pizza...I really wish my mom were close enough to spend the day with... the 16th is her birthday..and No, I've not sent anything yet.. I suck at that.. as a matter of fact, I'm off to go take care of that right now~

No good shows lately..the breakups were good..not great but good..then again the p.a. i was using was lack luster.. oh, i did work at Saphires Gentlemens club recently..heh.. Wow, i didn't realize that you could get stretch marks on your boobs if they went to big.. DUH.

cocain rich comes quick and that's why the smalll dicks have it all~

2007-05-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

honestly, the breakup is fine... not seeing or talking with him is fine... i have the boys.. Stanley~Raymond, Super~Mu, and Wheeze... I just don't like being alone.. and I have no idea why.. it's odd really, because when I'm around people to much I just want a break.. it's kinda like this: I don't really want to talk on the phone, but I want to see that I've missed a few calls. I don't really want to chat online, but I want to have people say hi. sadly, if i really think about it, it sounds kinda needy. great.

last night I met some friends out to see another friend of ours do some standup comedy.. He's really quite witty. it was fun.. a bit odd to go it alone but fun.

My apartment management made it sound like they were gonna cut me a deal on my breaking my lease.. but alas, no. Oh well, it's really worth it to have a nice house to live in.. But now I have all these thoughts going through my head: Will they put the house back on the market if the market changes right away? bahh.. let it go.

The title of this post is well, in light of something I've seen way to much of lately.. Cocaine.. I really hate it.. I don't want to deal with coke heads.. I don't want to walk in on them doing there lines.. I just want to pretend they don't exist..
heh.. best change industries then.

2morrow I'm at Pure.. if nothing else I can spend my day flirting with the bouncers..heh..that's fucked up

It's not so bad...

2007-04-30T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm in my place..and it feels really good... perhaps it feels so good because I'm moving into the house in a few weeks. This is the house I invisioned when we were looking for a place to live.

Work has been good.. crazy busy.. fully of complete pricks and decent money. I do believe one of those things out weighs the other. Aero Smith was good.. Steven Tyler took one of the Autistic performers to sing "Walk this Way" with him, now that was to great. Hmm, what else, I'm really tyring to keep up on what I'm doing.. Oh, he and the rest of the band looked hot.. Hot in an old man sort of way! Keep your clothes on guys.. you may have great abs.. but ya still got a little loose skin. There's more but I'm a little fried today so, when I remember it.. I'll get on it.

2007-04-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

you think I wouldn't have him
unless I could have him by the balls
you think I just dish it out
you don't think I take it at all
you think I am stronger
you think I walk taller than the rest
you think I'm usually wearing the pants
just 'cause I rarely wear a dress

well...

when you look at me
you see my purpose,
see my pride
you think I just saddle up my anger
and ride and ride and ride
you think I stand so firm
you think I sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
I'm usually face down on the ground
when there's a stampede

I'm no heroine
at least, not last time I checked
I'm too easy to roll over
I'm too easy to wreck
I just write about
what I should have done
I just sing
what I wish I could say
and hope somewhere
some woman hears my music
and it helps her through her day

'cause some guy designed
these shoes I use to walk around
some big man's business turns a profit
every time I lay my money down
some guy designed the room I'm standing in
another built it with his own tools
who says I like right angles?
these are not my laws
there are not my rules

I'm no heroine
I still answer to the other half of the race
I don't fool myself
like I fool you
I don't have the power
we just don't run this place

nuff said~

I should be thrilled that I signed a lease on my new place.. all I see is the lack of sunshine, the fact that it's an apartment building just like any other.. somebody slap me out of it will ya?

2007-04-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

We password protect everything in our lives, this enables us to cover the lies~ We look each other square in the eye, deny it all with a smile that conveys nothing.

When your poker face exceeds your expectations do you know? Intuitively the one you're mocking does. Watch it girl, get a firm grip cuz the one you thought was holding you is gonna let go. When you land on your feet and laugh at the fall, that's when you see it's never "all in or out."
This may be when you realize that life is not a poker game... It's life.. no winner take all, just win.. win and enjoy the ride. Try not to take anyone down, try to be positive..try to share what's good..try to give much more than you need. Doesn't sound like much of a game to me, it does however, sound like life.. if you can't hang then you better let go and hope your chute opens.

Today, for the first time in well, exactly a month,(Hmmm, that's fitting.)
Anyway, today is the first day that I realized that I was stirred not shaken. Perhaps it's the fact that my place is ready or maybe it's that I realized that what someone else thinks is really not all that important.

It is an extremely odd realization when someone you care about looks you dead in the eye and lies. Could it be that they don't think the are lying? Or is it that they just don't care? Every one's an actor or an actors best friend, either way, we all seem to pretend.

Oddly, the sex is what I'll miss the most. No it was not that earth shaking, nor was it, well, lets just say that lying close in someones arms sometimes just feels right.
A friend and I discussed this over our 5th shots of espresso on Saturday afternoon at a coffee shop in a busy part of west hollywood.. the conclusion: she's to good at having fun with no attachment, i tend to hang on till the bitter end. Now, why the hell would any self respecting girl do that? Why would anyone be nice to someone that is proud of their actions, actions that have brought pain to many, mostly in the form of disappointment. Nobody expected their blond haired blue eyed boy to be so, what is the word used? emotionless. then again, when you really think about it, what is emotion? it's a thought process that we're: born with / develop over life. How does one develop these things? these actions? our parents? our friends? or do they just appear? either way, we are responsible for all our actions. That you can take or leave, it really doesn't matter to me.

What really matters? What am I thankful for? my boys... my tough little Mu how can somebody be so tough yet so sweet at the exact same time?~ Stanley~raymond: if only everyone loved me as fiercly as this. Peezer~after all this time he still stands by my side. Norman, don't worry little buddy, I'll always catch ya.. even when others realize you might be a bit to much. And yes, my family, my friends.. you know who you are... one of you reads this...try to remember, we project on them much to much, they only need our love!

if you ask for it~

2007-04-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

don't complain.

my ex sucks. not once.. ever have I bad mouthed him. interestingly enough, he's been busy bad mouthing me.

nice.

no really "I'm Fine."

2007-04-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Terrah "how are you today?"

Me "I'm fine."

Terrah "you know what fine stands for don't you?"

Me "no"

Terrah~
Fucked up
insecure
neurotic
emotional

Me "really, I'm fine."

it just had to happen on easter~

2007-04-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

with everyday that is hellish~ there is a silver lining. I got a call tonight from somebody I used to adore, the whole point of the 60 minute call was to say "I really miss you, if you won't come and see me, how bout, I come and see you?"

Wow, after today.. that was beyond flattering!

At no point in my life have I ever looked someone in the eye and meant it more when I've said "may god help you!" tonight. And NO, it was not a sweet loving type of saying. It was just what I said~ if you don't fix the damage you've done, god will be the only one to save your soul. nuff said. No threat, just a fact.... what you give is what get.. if you don't believe it then you've got not a lot~

most things I worry about.....

2007-04-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

it was me and my side kick~ he was drunk and I was sick~

is it a lie when the whole truth is with held? or is it only a lie when it's blatant and cruel? is it lie when you compliment someone on something that you don't think is great but know way deep in your heart it means the world to them?

should you look if you know it's only going to effect your soul? should you say you've looked if it'll make you feel better? or is it the pain you deserve in this world for following your feelings~ and not finding out what it means.

is life reality when it involves a world famous night club and patrons that can't believe they've reached "the top." or is it just another day at work that pays better than most?

if you're told people can't change overnight, yet see that very soul that stated this change overnight, does it make it not true? or is it just reality of different characters in the same novel.

when the chapters don't have a clear beginning and end does it mean it's a short story as opposed to a novel?

if there is no moral to the story, or better yet, it unbelievable to most does that make it a work of fiction?

does the feeling abide with time or is it that we just forget?

heh, if you've got the answers you're beyond reading this~ you're a fucking rock star and hanging out at the club that is not reality and looking down at the little people whom can't believe they're there.

well now~

2007-04-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

it has come to my attention that, well, I'm sick of my own story. I mean really, who wants to hear this? Who cares if your uncomfortable in your living situation, change it. Who cares if you feel odd working with someone whom has no idea that they treat you with complete disdain, change it. You made your bed by getting involved with someone in the same field~ change it.

nuff said.

I'm working on the changing it part. Been offered two jobs today... How do people live on the money people offer?? I mean really.

still like him better stoned. perhaps he should have been stoned during the course of our relationship.

Can't wait for Easter.. "thank you easter bunny!" followed by "bock, bock!"

As I sit hear i see that Norman has eaten all the charcoal~ heh Stanley~raymond is currently stomping back and forth about every 5 minutes, to the sun spot.. leave the sun spot.. Poor Guy.

Mu~ well, he's in the yard, again. Little monster loves the yard... The vet says he'll be on fluids everyday for the rest of his being... So, no matter where I move to, it needs to be somewhere, where I have cat support. Cuz, if I miss a day it's not good. As much as he hates the vet's office now, he is healthy. The vet is suggesting I get in on the class action law suit. heh. What in 20 years they'll pay me back for the vet bill? If he weren't such a little guy I'd give him the fluids myself.. but he's only 5 lbs. Kinda like trying to stick a needle in a rat.

"MU!!! Every tail feather has a mou!"

2007-03-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

Above you will find the offending weapon that is getting my niece epelled from the Neveda school system.

The clark county school district in the state of Nevada can kiss my ever love'n ass~
And, may they now realize they chose the wrong kid to make an example of. To the assistant principle whom is clearly into body language and likes to talk down to everyone as though they are 15: Yes, I'm as good at your game as you are and when you dismiss me of course I have another few issues to cover.

Sadly, I may have fucked up with my sweet baby Emu. He'd been doing so well and starting to hate the vets office so much that I started a 36 hour plan for fluids... The vet said today that he doesn't think it was such a bright idea. I feel horrible. Fortunately I've only been on this since about Sunday.. And up until they took his blood today he was pretty good. Last night he even took Stanley~Raymond down.

Tomorrow the results will be in for the blood work.. As long as the little bastard is flying around the house and ripping tail feathers off his mou's I will refuse to believe he is anything but a fighter.

Mu is not helping my quandary of where to live~ I got a job in Berkley but it's already exhausting me... The paperwork with the feds wasn't this labor intensive, on top of my nieces school issues I'm pretty bent. Living with ones ex isn't exactly the most exhilarating thing either.. heh.. Nice one there sammy. Nice one. This last statement brings me to a question that's been burning in my wee brain~ What does it say about you, when you realize you prefer someone you've been with for a year, stoned? Or perhaps I need to ask what does it say about them?

you say it cuz you can't do it~

2007-03-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Get it up! I know that's what y'all are thinking. Well, that's not it, so there. Recently, someone told me I was never satisfied no matter what and selfish, to this, I say: this person does not know me very well and that people do truly say what they are when talking of others. This, of course, makes me realize that I'm no saint in this department.
However, I feel that people do change in varying degrees, pending on what is happening in their lives, this means that a person as a whole is not singular and should someone think that people are, they need to pull their heads out of their ass and fess up to their own underlying fears.

While I'm on this rant I'd like to say that I'm sick passive aggressive pussys. Say it like you mean it, stand up to it and own it. Yes, own it is a little over used and dull but it's the best way to say it.

In other news, my 16 year old niece is on the verge of expulsion for taking a cap gun to school on western day. Now mind you, I get upset with her when her grades drop.. And she acts like a normal 16 year old.. But damn it, this was just a simple lapse in judgement.. nothing more. Yes, I know there is a zero tolerance rule due to the horrible things that have happened across this land and yes, I understand the horror. But if y'all saw this cap gun you'd understand, had it been a real gun as opposed to a giant plastic/silver/orange thing it would have never been seen at fifty paces.

So the answer to this foolish action, according to the assistant principle whom never bothered to interview any other students involved, nor did she make note of the fact that the L.V. cop that was on duty that day said upon seeing the "weapon" "This is nothing to worry about, just take it away from her."

Ah yes, before I be leaving Las Vegas, it's gonna be party time with the school board. Between my brother, my sister~inlaw, and myself the party is on. The answer is not to send a straight A student who's only complaint on file is that she had her mp3 player confiscated when it fell from her bag...To a Reform school.. Is not the right answer. Yes, she was wrong.. Yes, she had a huge lapse in judgement. Yes, she should be expelled, (and has been out since last Thursday!)... But screwing up her life is not the answer.. It's just not.

"quad non est in scripto non est in mundo."

Now who says you can't get a blow job at your local coffee shop?

2007-03-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

The strangest confrontation just happened... As I sit here at a coffee bean contemplating my future in the form of job hunting and resume tweaking, you could say that my mood is well.. touchy..
This of course is not the mood you want to be in when a teenage couple is one table away having dry sex. She was trying to give him a blow job very slyly.. Yes, I finally had to say something..

~"Excuse me, do you two think that you could tone it down, or perhaps, take it out to your car?"

*"Do you think you can go fuck yourself bitch this is a public place!? This ain't no library, if you want a library go to a fucking library!"

~"Well, the fact that it is a public place is what makes it inappropriate and honestly, you may do well better in a library behind some rows of books and possible use of magazines for knee pads."

*She gets up and runs to the bathroom, (in tears I can only hope) He proceeds "You know the high school gets out in 5 minutes and they're a lot worse."

~"Really, I've not noticed that." and proceed to put my headphones back in, at which point he starts yelling at me that they are regulars and I'm not and should probably find my way to hell. "Well, o.k. thank you for your concern." Then he stomps out and she finally emerges from the bathroom..

At which point the rest of the place applauds as they leave. hahahahaha.. And here I was worried that I was upsetting the norm of blow jobs at your local coffee bean in the early afternoon.

why don't you go cry about it~

2007-03-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

Every once in a great while I hear something and truly wish I'd written it~ this is one of those songs. It's the emotion that comes thru.. Perhaps, with time, that will come from me. Heh, if not, fuck 'em they'll take what I give 'em.

Having a bar~b~que for Mu today.. Little guy is feeling a little tired, however, he did try to rip my hand off earlier.. He's really sick of going to the vet everyday for fluids.. And I'm scared cuz I've maxed out my c.c. and it's ten dollars a day..everyday.. heh. Works been slow and well, I've gotta move soon.. Nope, it's time for a shot of Jamesons and to annoy the hell out of the neighbors with really loud music, cuz, of course, they'll hate Brian for it.. not me. hahahaha

2007-03-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

it would be great if laughter was what came to mind when I thought of you. I guess it's safe to say that we just don't chose who wears the walking shoes in our lives. No matter how many time we rehearse the dialogues odds of those words crossing your lips are not worth taking to vegas. Then again.... Sometimes, the odds just fall in your favor in a way you'd never expect. Something so amazing makes you realize the wall you hit was lined with a bed of flowers. Should you decide that you're gonna step off the train, it does not mean that you've lost the match, perhaps, it's just a round or two.

this rings true~

2007-03-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

the numbers never lie, however, they can be misenturpeted.

My little man looks great.. wasted tears of grief, for now. My room is set up in the house for the next two weeks.. It actually feels good to step back and look around. Perhaps, breathe.

Whomever the supreme being is, their always there.

It's a just a game I play, it's just a role I play..... don't know why I like to carry on the way I do.

as the flame turns blue~

2007-03-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

If there were anything I could say right now that would make it all better it would be~ I have no tears left. Alas, that is not true. My sweet Mu is here in my lap, feeling tired and knowing that I'm waiting to know if he's had enough. That alone makes me crazy... He needs to know NO pain. None of my family does. How does this happen? who is this god that brings the pain? Does living fully day to day really make it better? Does it make the hard times less? Does knowing you could have said more make you a bad person? Does holding on to someone past the time meant make it wrong? Who holds you when you need it most? The person you want is generally the one that's gone. To be so dramatic and say that there is no clue as to what I'll do is pathetic and unwarranted. Just because my soul aches from all the tumult it does not make it so that I should wear it on my sleeve, then again after being worn out and losing meaning how can it be helped? The silence is overwhelming.. the answer is a smoke and a glass of scotch.. in a dark bar with the ones who love me. The ones, it turns out that don't have too. The ones who chose me as family, not the ones that are. As I dream through another day, staring at blank walls, wishing it would all fall. When is it enough to be whole again? Is being alone the answer? how can you have so many yet, never feel a thing?
If I could I'd wash my heart and start fresh.. I'd never turn back and regret nothing. How? how does one do that?

How do I not pin my worries on a wee soul that has done nothing more than bring me joy? When do we know what's real? Can you always come home? where is home? is it where you're welcome with open arms? I'd like to think it's real...I spent a long time persuading myself that I needed no one else.. fucked it up and now it's raw and real again. Losing Mu alone is more than I figure I can handle.. but, I know it's not true.. Hang in there little buddy.. but only till it's close to being to much.. I owe you, I owe you no pain.. I owe you nothing but love.. I owe you nothing but respect... Which, is more than I just got after a year gone by. Why can't my men be as good as you?

blah.

2007-03-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

breaking up is never easy...

breaking up on the day you're supposed to move into your new house together..
that just sucks.

blah.
i need a break.. i need mu to be healthy.. poor little guy..tomorrow i do nothing.. not even answer my phone.. just me and my boys..

don't let your emotions get in the way of a really good time~

2007-03-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I awoke with the overbearing thought in my head~ If I had known life would turn out this way would I have still gone the same direction? Taken all the detours touching fame on the outside, living a life that is full of memories but lacking substance for the future. If I had known that my brain refuses to remember even the most memorable things I certainly would have documented it much better and as of now, no matter how mundane or exaggerated it all sounds, it's gotta start.

The answer to the question that is burning my brain, is yes. Perhaps it's come up because the boys and I are packing yet again for a move that may or may not be in our short term best interest. A move that involves a relationship that does not exactly bring out the best in me, but is a chance for me to learn to be my best under any and all circumstances. Yes, that's a frilly way of saying that when in doubt, smile and nod.

Vegas, well, it's not exactly what I would call homey, but it's not less so than L.A. was in the beginning. The ideal would be to find a city that is as warm in character as Chicago without it being Chicago! For whatever reason the midwest and I just aren't compatible.

How do I begin to to tell a tale that most won't believe? who will read it? is it something that is set to order or just given? Tanya these questions are for you!

thoughts on mu!

2007-03-09T16:39:00.000-08:00

mybday!

It's been a rough 24 hours~ Mu has been in the hospital in critical care for his wee kidneys and heart. He's always been a bit sickly but I had no idea he was dehydrated so... We always see him drinking... Yesterday was wretched.. when I left him there I felt so hopeless.. today when we saw him he wanted to play MOU! he looked amazing.. tomorrow we will see if his little kidneys are gonna reverse.. I know they will, he's a tough little guy. True to form everyone loves him at the vets office! He's truly the sweetest cat I've ever known.. Stanley is a bit down.. not eating and looking for his pal.. I'm so lucky to have them both.. Pray to your favorite god, pray for Mu's recovery. If anybody can beat the odds, this little guy will.

2007-02-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

Not Sure why this came up twice~ But it just adds to the perfection.
I still think of her everyday.... She still makes me laugh!
And I know she's with us~ being fucking naughty.

the calm~

2007-01-16T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'd like to say before the storm, however there's no storm on the horizon.. Well, besides the ice storm we've been having. Things are good, I'd venture on to saying great, but there's that thang that happens when I think life is grand, there's something lurking...

Terray is talking of moving this way.. That makes me oh so happy. Just like everyone does, she's been told how sucky it is.. pfft.. everyone, everywhere is negative about where someone may be going to start anew and possible be better off than what they've got. Why can't we all just be happy for each other?

Below is my first attempt at combining blog and pictures.. heh, we'll see.

December '06

oh not pretty.. hahahaha.

it's a wonderful time for~

2006-12-25T19:31:00.001-08:00

Well for the first time in the better part of, oh, two decades my fathers side of the family has been together.. for the first time ever in my home.. We're all still breathing.. so, you could say it was a success

is it wrong~

2006-12-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

to want to bitch slap someone you love into, oh, so, the next decade of their life?
Perhaps not.

My dad is currently here in the city of sin, so far, so good. I shall not even begin with how the cats are behaving.... And Norman, well, Norman thinks he's smarter than god, not yet Norman. Not yet.

Headed out to Red Rock Canyon today, stunning kinda sums it up. Stunning and bloody cold. I'll upload a picture or two after the holiday... Tomorrow were off to the Valley of Fire~ my favorite word in the whole wide world.. Fire.

Heard from a dear friend of mine today.. I was about ready to head to Nash~tucky and kick her skinny little ass. Then it's off to West Hollywood to pick on the other scrawny one.. haha.. i love them both.. and I can hardly wait to see my boy Josh.. Hell, I can't wait to talk to him on the phone...

lets talk about god~

2006-11-19T16:35:00.000-08:00

Or perhaps I should say lets talk about those pious bastards that think that they are the word of god. The one and only's that can represent all that he the 'all mighty' or shall I say the ones that represent the places of worship~

These people may be the ones that open their doors and feed and clothe the needy once a year, these may be the same people that help that unwed mother find her way.. Fuck that, it's not likely. These are the people that will tell you on one of the worst days that you've had in years that you've spent enough time in their sanctuary, that you're 2o minutes is up and please, leave.
Excuse me, leave? leave a place of worship when the doors are open and you've stepped in to find a your way, fleeting and as unlikely as it may be that you would find rest in such a place when you're being asked to leave.. Yes, I have lots to say about this..and yes, I will say more... but first I must figure out how to articulate it~ first i have to figure out how to articulate it~

On the other side, to see so many people be fed and clothed in a day~ To see them enjoy basic needs that they can only hope for.... For that this righteous bastards have done something good.. For that, I am appreciative to them.

Brian's Dad is here for Turkey day.. I have to say that as far as family members of significant others go, his dad is not the normal... He's enjoyable. Espesially to Mu..need I say more? hahaha

ohhhhh jesus....

2006-08-26T04:51:00.000-07:00

damn, where the hell have I been?

IN THE FUCKING DESERT!

that pretty much sums it up... life is fine.. well, it's good. fairly busy...working...spending time with my nieces....beating the cats...yes, there is lots to update...yes, i will be updating...

and Terrah, WE...yes, WE... are joining the PTA>

muwhahahaha.

say something nice~

2006-06-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

I missed the love of my lifes Birthday~ however I suspect he was just fine with out me. Something tells me the unfaithful bastard is living large in that great state known as Tejas. Ungreatful gay men. There is truly something about them. So, instead of feeling all lonesome and wishing he was here telling me how wonderful I am.. I'll listen to our song..and consider getting lit..

By the side of the road...
I can remember
Us laughing in bed
Hung over
Happy
And holding our heads~

Lets see.. the great state of Nv. not as bad as I figured.. why you ask? well, I'm getting laid, that of course must help. I mean really, if you think it's not, well then, you're fucking high.

Work~ newly defined as " a lifter of heavy fucking gear.." yes, I'm still spouting off that makebelieve, the life once lived of a real audio engineer. There may be only one person in my life whom does not think I'm nuts.. Then again she's always thought I've been bloody mad. Go Bridget go. Now, if she'd only get her sorry ass here for my amusement. yes, B. for my amusement. there's plenty to destroy~ and perhaps even a few people to make cry. really, we have the power.

It's been so long tsince I've been on my computer that I'm the queen of bad grammar and typo's...hopefully it will drive a few people nuts.. oh lets not forget the spelling complaints that make me so warm and fuzzy.

Let's see a cat update.. I suck as a mum lately.. and yes, Stanley~raymond has no problem letting me know just that. Ahh the love of an oriental shorthair. the guilt of a four pound beast named lulu.. and Mu. time to get my act together and get a real job.. ohh, can hardly wait on that.

Oddly, with so much on my brain that seems important to share with the world and it's completly blanked out at the moment... cuz I'm that smoothe....;

If ya know me.. you know what's up.. if ya don't y'all should pick up the phone motherfuckers!

Cocaine rich comes quick and that's why the small dicks have it all~

2006-05-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.. yes, I say this with a tired drawl. Hmm, upon typing the word "drawl" I have to wonder who came up with that word..somebody who couldn't say "draw" and felt we needed a new word in this world? Honestly, it sounds like a G.W. Bush word. I see something like this....

G.W. on the floor as a wee lad driving his big trucks around a layout of mini oil wells gushing some kind of gnarly ooze all over Mrs. Bush floor, trying to draw in it with his pudgy little hand..and asking his Mama.."Mama how do I drawl a picture of brother Jeb with his horns showing?" and his mama being kind, as we all know she is said "Now honey, you know the word is Draw and we don't like to let people see your brothers horns, you know that!" But being persistent the little bastard probably just kept it up, this of course is how he became so adept and fixing things, oh, you know, like elections and what not.. persistence.

Yes, before y'all start sending me hate emails.. I know I'm going to hell and as I've said before my wing is reserved..and my punishment is spending eternity with G.W. himself.. G.W. and a really bad sound system. Yes, my mother is aware and she intends to be there. It is not unlikely that she sees it as a bit romantic: sitting by the fire, sipping bourbon in an chilled glass listening to Doug mix the music.. And her only child being the mouthy monster she realizes is not her fault.. It is the product of my fathers side of the family.. Fucking, unbalanced, crazy, drunken, redrose tea swilling snits. Ah yes.. I said it. And I have a family member out there that when he discovers this post, will now know who it is who writes it. Of course he'll bitch about the grammar and spelling.. to that I will say.. "Piss off you fat bastard!" with love of course.

Work~ well, I am..and I'm fucking sore.. you'd think for all the hauling of gear that's at least 50 times my size, my body would be damn tight.. But no.. My ass still is not fine... great an ongoing project.

Cocaine rich comes quick and that's why the small dicks have it all~
This may very well be the catch phrase that I keep while working here in satans playground.. (no, not a trailer park...satan has other types of playgrounds y'all..) I've not seen this much misc. drug use in years.. I wish I had all the money pe0ple kick out for it. Hell, I'd like to have it and resell it. That my dears would take care of my non~working a.c. in my no so luxury, but adorable Xterra.. Yes, I admit it.. L.A. done me in.. Luxury cars.. manicures and pedicures every week.. Go ahead Mel, laugh your ass off.

Which by the way, have y'all driven around this incenerator of hell without a/c???? don't. just fucking don't. It melts your brain and makes you act like a local.

So, I found a song on myspace.... one that I feel fairly responsible for.. Of course the lousy bastard that owns the rights has gone MIA.. this of course prompts me to feel the need to steel all of it except the chorus.. never liked the chorus, it seems a little, dunno, prissy. But it has the potential to be something that could hit. Hmmmm, how long would it take for the sorry bastards to come up from their wee holes and lay claim? Or would they just listen to it playing out of a tinny car stereo and wonder where they'd hear it all before? Sadly, if it had been done right it could have gone right.. how many times has that been said though? Christ, how many times have I lived it? Or seen my friends get there only to step off the edge and not come back?

Speaking of friends there was the cutest little nashville cowboy last night that looked a bit familiar to me.. Terrah this is for you.. think..think hard about that purty boy you used to like so well.. you know the one that hogs the show.. and not that fine boy that is so shy.

love the sinner~hate the sin!

2006-05-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

Well, had I put any thought to it, I may have realized that I'd be damn happy here in the land of Sin.. heh, who the hell knew. It appears that I'm getting my game face back on. To the point that I'm pissed that I'm not on a load in today and people who should not be are... It's great what senority does..Fuck it.. I should be on several events.. My brain is still shocked from be low man on the totem pole again.. As long as I don't have to swallow I guess I'm not at the lowest point of the pile. As they say: "who do I have to blow to get into this job?" Followed about 20 grueling years later by: "Who the fuck do I have to blow to get off this gig?"

Currently, I'm reading a book about a "Famous" roadie. First I'd like to say, that you may as well be a famour "Carnie.." the best perks you get as a roadie is used girls and an excuse to support lack of desire for daily hygene. It makes me laugh everytime he acts as though he is the ruling party of all things music. Yes, a good roadie is a god send. Yes, a good roadie can save your ass if he knows how to listen. Yes, a good roadie always has your back.. But should you ever find yourself roadie~less it's not so hard to find a couple of dumb kids with strong backs.. looking for a pussy pass or at least the girls who wear them. Some how this guy is convinced that it is much more than that. Yes, it is when your a tech... When you can setup a guitar in 10 minutes.. wire the stage blind folded... Well, you get the point.

I've actually been on a date since I arrived here in the city of Sin.. Only to realize that well, if I hear the word "Commitment" in any form in the next year, I will have to pummle the person that says it.. Doesn't matter what context it is used in... "I'm not looking for commitment.." is just as lame as "I'm looking for commitment.." and what the fuck is this Girlfriend stuff?? If you hang with somebody and god forbid fuck'em (sorry Terrah..I see you shaking your fist at me..and picking up your phone right now...cuz ya care!) that you have to have a label? Hmm, what if you spend more than 2 consecutive evenings together? Does this warrant stalking? I fear my darlings that it may. So if anyone has a hand book on this could you please send me a link to it? O.k. lets see.. Lets talk about judgement.. Should you bring a boy to the place your staying and it's in a trailer park..Watch to see his reaction.. If he flips..and states quite loudly.."YOU LIVE IN A TRAILER PARK!" It's a pretty good guess that said boy has no idea how to deal with reality.. Let alone the fact that your proud to be white trash. Come on, how many people who were not born in Satans play ground (aka trailer parks) can truly claim white trash???? Well, I can. And most of my friends can, this of course is a different kind of trash than say, non~rockers.. White trash in a Nashville Pussy sort of way is much cooler than "I married your mama when she was 14 cuz my other sister married our older brother." heh.

At this moment I'm sitting in the LOUDEST COFFEE BEAN EVER! Every asian teen within a 10 mile radius must be here bragging about what ever is cool at the moment.. currently, it is summer jobs and how "mine is cooler than yours!" followed by..."you're fucking lying!" It figures that I forgot my headphones. Oh now wait it's changed to talking about monitors.. now I'm laughing cuz they are so excited.. WHEEEEE.

The heat:

Is miserable.. yesterday on the 17th of May it was 106*.. Yes, god I'm here, in your idea of a joke, the floor before hell. Thanks.

Talked to Bridget the other day... Truly hoping that she'll get her butt down here this summer.. I do believe she'll love it.
time to go find a bar..it's to damn hot and I need a Jamesons..stat!

if anything I'm consistent in~

2006-05-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

being a pain in the ass. ;)

Here I sit at the coffee bean in L.V. where I can get some free wi~fi as opposed to the 10.00 all you can consume at starbucks.. But damn, it's cold in the cb. So now I've planted my ever so dainty (comparatively to my dog) butt outside.. it's rather nice today. It'd be great if it would just stay this way for the summer.. ohhhhh, ahhhhhh.

Well, it's been brought to my attention that there are not cute guys in this neck of the south west.. to that I have to say.. well, DAMN! oddly, I've not event a desire to date but, jesus, it'd be nice to know there was an option... I'm really. Stanley~Raymond can't be the only man in my life forever. Then again, if you ask him, He's all I need. He talks to me while I shower, keeps me warm at night, keeps the babies in line, judges all my friends and has a fit when I suggest he be groomed.
Now that I think about it, that might be all I need in life. Sadly, I've not talked much to my friends in the last week or so. Now that I'[m getting settled, I'll have to change that. It'll be better to when I've got a home of my own. Currently as I sit at my table a woman in her mini~van is making no attempt to not let me know she is dismayed with my tattoos. Of course I'm not letting it go unnoticed that yes, I can see your sallow, bottle blond, frumpy arse judging me and pointing.. Yes, I even heard you say to your daughter "you don't want to look like that when your thirty do you?" bwhahahahahaha.. Fuck off Bitch.

So far the cats are loving life with Heather.. I have to admit that my niece is damn cute. Both of them are. I've one that's 15 and one that's about 5.. both are trouble in the best of ways. Can't wait to start working so we can go and do fun stuff... Oh, no... I'll not teach them any bad habits.. no never..

k. I gotta go get ready for an interview.. well, as much of interview as one can give when it comes to working gigs. Hi, I can make is sound better here than the Bozo behind the board.. Oh, that Bozo, well, o.k. since he'll chase me down and terrorize me, I'll not say I can do better than that Bozo, as he is my brother!

peace out.
p.s.
this post before 4 p.m. is for you Terrah! And damn it Josh.. I miss you.

you think I just saddle up my anger~

2006-04-30T16:57:00.001-07:00

well...
when you look at me
you see my purpose,
see my pride
you think I just saddle up my anger
and ride and ride and ride
you think I stand so firm
you think I sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
I'm usually face down on the ground
when there's a stampede

I really wish I could say that I wrote those lyrics.. oh well, at least I can say that I appreciate them!
Here I am in the land of scorching temps..junkies...betters and beggers...why? well, hell, it just figures that this is the place I have people who care for me and are in the same industry as me.. and it's the place that I can score work..with my eyes closed..and if not, then I need a good kick in the ass!

The trip out here was uneventful in the sense that no one dove out of the moving vehicle, Emu.
And after the first 3 days of a sucky case of food poisoning turned fluish...we got on our way. Ahhh, the life of a contenital traveler. haha

Ohh, in writing that paragraph I remembered that I have something to say.. If you can't stand my spelling and grammar don't read this! For the life of me I can't seem to figure out how to spell check this thing..and if Bridget isn't gonna fix it for me or at least point out my flaws then fuck it. If she can read it as is..so can you you.

Now, on to the next rant.. excuse me, but are there ANY pretty people in Las Vegas? any?? I'll take one just one.. one person who is not insulated for a rough and tumble winter.. because we all know that insulation for the winter is needed here. needed like central heat in July. Need I say more? I'm done with accepting your body.. I'm hip with loving yourself..BUT DAMN IT, color your hair...get some extensions..clean under your nails and dress for your body type..

One of the great things about this place is the fact that no matter which way you look you see mtns. I love that. And palm trees.. How the hell did I grow to love palm's? I'm bloddy sick. but y'all knew that.

Hopefully, I'll be headed home soon to see the baby Ms. Coco. It's not every day a rock'n'roll baby is born... one about every 7 years or so.

So, do any of y'all know how much it cost to get online at Starbucks???? 10.00 damn dollars..hello? what happened to free internet? what happened to sharing? greedy fucking bastards.

o.k. enough ranting.. I need to search on line for a job.. finish another cup of coffee..make fun of more people who walk by.. Yes, I realize that I'm one of the many that gets a good laugh.. I'm the tatooed freak...the one that woman say.."Now Honey, that's not how you want to look when your 30!" while of course they are sporting mullets and chicken fat yellow hair.... It takes the great moms and dads to say.."if that's what you want, when it's time you'll know."

Oh, and I want to thank my dear friend Doug.. for saying something that made me cry..We were talking the other day and in light of having a new baby in there life he said "there should be a statue in every city celebrating the single Mom. It's got to be the toughest job that exist on the planet.." well, he said it to that affect. But, yes. those are my words. kisses y'all.

come to Vegas and play..and remember what what happens in Vegas, goes in my blog.

2006-04-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

2006-04-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

*the picture on the left makes me giggle with joy! come on, check out that ice..

and of course, a wrigley field pict!

Heh, the best laid plans always end up making you run in circles and feeling wiped out! So, my answer to this is: fuck the plans, role with the punches and for fuck sake SMILE BITCH!

Well, for those of you who may still check in on my blogginess here is the latest news.. THERE'S A NEW BABY IN THE FAMILY!!!! Shelly and Doug had a baby girl, I'll not divulge more info than that, as well, I'm sure they want to tell the world.

Let's see, what else...I'm leaving Chicago..Where am I going?? no idea.. the west coast is all I really care about..NO, the southern bit of the West Coast.. most likely Vegas, unless I get this killer job I want back in Hollywood land. This will be my first ever time of staying with someone, cuz well, I need to. This has never happened to me before.. And, as odd as it feels, I think it's o.k... As long as I can keep on laughing it's all good. Actually I'm excited to be staying with Sheri..She would be my 1/10th of a brothers ex.. which makes her family!!! She is also the mum of my so cute niece..Heather.. I've another niece there as well, Alyssa. Of course I've probably spelled that wrong..hehe.

I'm really excited to go some where, some where, where I've been asked to go. Funny how the people in our lives that we never expect anything from turn out to be our rocks.. Or maybe I should say the ones that feel our need to be around loved ones.. The ones that know that being the one "who'll always land on their feet.." sometimes need someone to catch them. As odd as it all seems to be staying with Sheri....To tell Alex that he's gonna have to feed me..it feels right..for the first time in my life it feels right to ask for help. Not to say in any way that my Mum and Ms. A have not offered..but this is different. This is an equal saying you can do this, you can get your act together, you can be strong.

I'm gonna miss parts of Chicago, but it's been a long lonely ride, which appears to have done me some good. Good? if good why the hell are you leaving? fuck you if you feel the need to ask that. Y'all know the all 2 of you that follow this know this is my internal brain chatting with itself, right? Anyway, I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. Still don't really like it, but I'm not afraid...I can humour myself..I've got Stanley~Raymond, Mu, Satan and Fat boy.. with the four of them and a good book, I'm good to go. I never, ever dreamed I'd say that! As far as the man goes, we're done. He has answered my ongoing question of "what about us?" by not knowing..still. Hopefully, we'll both heal well. We will.

Went to a cubs game last week..Wow! I was told once that Wrigley field is like a fantasy land in the heart of the city. It is. From my seat I could see it all; people walking their dogs past in cubs t~shirts (the dogs, not the people), People sitting up and down the block on lawn chairs listening to the game... Fire fighters sitting outside of there house listening...laughing..The train running past where people get that 2 second glimpse of the game.. kids running around the stands.. Yes, it was magical.. I'm truly happy to have been able to do that. Everyone should have such an experience at least once in theire lives. I am blessed. yeah i know..that is bloody sappy!

just stuff~

2006-04-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Here I stand..Wishing I could just walk into the ocean and let it all wash away. Being an ordinary person is painful these days. Being an over~reactive open wound is slowly decaying what's left of my posture..What's left of my skin.

Something in me says.."well, here you go again, what's it like to be a two time loser, among other things?" Then something in me says.."fuck off!"

As I gave notice today at my apartment here in Chicago Chris the mgr said something to me that I've heard over and over again.."You're tough you'll land on your feet!" If this is true, and I'm continually landing on my feet, is this it? Is it that you land and keep forraging ahead? Is it that you land, stuble a bit, wipe of the dust and try to gather yourself for the next round?

If possible could someone give me a GPS device? perhaps that would help. It appears that this tough ass rocker girl is not so tough. Yes, I've known all my life that it's just an act...But the act is tarnished and I need some help polishing up my vaneer and moving forward. It would be so amazing to look in the mirror and say "wow, what's up hotstuff?" Instead of looking in and feeling sick to my stomach from the confinement. Officially, today, I realized that I have pushed my soon to ex over the edge. Something that he does not deserve. He has tried..we have tried.. And I truly love him.. So much so, that I never dreamed for a moment that I would be here, right now, alone.. wondering how to dig a fucking trench to move around in, as opposed to the fox hole that goes no where.

There are a lot of good things that have happened since I've arrived here in the midwest... Like the realization that I'm a west coast girl.. Botox rules..and well..hell... I can drive across the country.

If you've made it this far in this pathetic diatribe I'm sorry for the borring rant.. I'll not make a habit of it.. I promise.. And I promise to learn how to spell check soon~ heh. I keep trying but I get nothing.

I also vow to myself to cut that man loose. He needs to move on and see himself for who and what his is.. a man that deserves more out of life. I am just thankful that we had what we did!

hey ho, let the wind blow!

2006-03-31T15:21:00.000-08:00

the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!
we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn!

For the last 24 hours it's been gusting at about 45 miles an hour with winds from the south.. oh yes. It's sounded like the the city is blowing down, for about 45 minutes all I could hear were sirens. Turns out a building blew apart next to the train stop... heh..

How do I know this? Did I see it for myself? Why no. I of course tracked down someone wearing a uniform and asked if the world was ending... I figured if they can threaten to lock me up, then decided they like me enough to want me and my dog to visit daily...I can terrorize them.

I've spent more time at the 23rd precinct house this week than I can even convey. The coolest part of this is that it is the old house that Dillinger and O'Bannion used to rule over.. Ah, the history of the Windy City.

I'm still looking for a job..ah hell. I'm still deciding if I'll stay here. The job I thought I had crashed and burned~not the first time this has happened. But, once again I have a person in my life named "Andy" who has become inturmental in my decisions by being straight up. Hell, he's the one that encouraged me to drop the band and run like hell. I have to admit, since not doing it I fee much better.. It's time to get my own band up and running. muwhahahaha.

Talking to my estranged half less and less everyday.. It makes me terribly sad, but it's probably for the best. I really need to learn how to make friends...I fear that I come across desperate

As I type this I am listening to the 911 tapes from 9/11.. To this day it still makes me sick to my stomach..I feel the hair on my head standing up.. As everyone, I remember exactly where I was when I realized what was going on: Two blocks south of Hollywood Blvd. on Highland on my way to work at Warner Bros. studio, listening to NPR. Upon hearing that the first reports of it..I thought it was a joke, you know, War of the Worlds type. Then, I got this creepy feeling and made some calls... Finally reaching Alice and asking her what was going on...Hearing her confirm what was happening.

For whatever reason I went on to my job at WB for a person that is truly heartless. No, not nanny diaries heartless.. Truly so wrapped up in themselves that they couldn't believe what I was saying to her. Three of us stayed long enough to be told that we must leave because some bomb threats had been called in. Funny, how only 3 people showed up with a staff of 50.. And one of them was my my assistant...

I returned home to find E watching CNN.. in horror.. Our reaction was one that many probably had.. to tell people..to share the shock... We woke up our roomate, just like us, he didn't believe it.

Never, have I seen Hollywood, no Los Angeles so empty. Literally, papers were blowing down Fairfax in a B~movie fashion as we looked for somewhere to go. Somewhere that others would be. Everything, Everyone was closed down, except JAN'S diner. That is where we landed..and that is where I truly realized that diners are something we need in our culture.. That waitresses are one of the most theraputic groups of people ever. We need them and we should treat them with the respect they deserve. Across out country it turned out that diners were all that stayed open.. Waitresses and Cooks stayed on to care for the shocked and wounded.. Yes, that may sound like a stretch but it's not. Look hard, think hard.

Well, my post has gone way past what I intended.. heh..

be well, be nice or get out!

st. louise is listening........you don't use words..

2006-03-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

O.k. you have to laugh when you text a friend and say..."I think I'm depressed and that's why I'm trying to sleep away my days." And you realize, while in the shower that, a.)DUH b.)if you know it...change it.. then burst into laughter.

Ah hell, so much for great break throughs.. That whole thought pattern today was, well, just along the lines of what life has been like lately. As y'all know relocating to the windy city was the plan..along with sweet singing little birdies and flowering cherry trees..

Reality is more like this: No job..in 6 weeks time..wtf is that about? it's not as if i'm not talented in more than one field. it's not as if i'm not looking hard enough. it's not as if i'm not putting myself out there.. So what the hell is the problem?

Not only do I not look like anyone in this city..I don't act like it..I didn't realize that there was a way to behave in a city. Now, having lived in l.a. for the last 5 years you'd think I would.. however, I guess I just fell into it there. In my own off beat way.

I read a blog that is genuis..the woman who writes it was recently left by her other half..not her better..just other.. she's been dealing with it by.."living out loud!" she's doing that quite well..me, well, I'll just continue to live in denial.. o.k. maybe not denial, but I am certainly not ready to really deal with it.. It would be nice though to kinda move on.. What does that entail when you've already moved 2,000 miles away? Fuck, I dunno.. But I'd rather not live on hold anymore.

Living on Hold.. Well, to define that I'd say it constitutes waiting for someone else to decide if they love you enough to allow you to come running back into their arms like some kind of wounded puppy waiting to be told it's forgiven. heh
What happened to the loud mouth rocker girl that had no fear? where did she go? she was never much for confidence but now she's lacking what little bit she had. It must exude out of my pores because it's as if I have an air about me that says.."don't look, don't talk, don't get near me.." Hell, someone I met last week said.."I'd hate to piss you off!" this was after a conversation about cats..Cats!! How can one come off as a cold hard bitch in a 3 minute conversation about something they truly love?

Is the mid~west to soft for me? Where are the boys that call ya' dar'ln and open the door for ya?
Maybe it's my way of talk'n to just about anyone..No, I will talk to anyone.. at any given time. Doesn't matter what they look like, talk like..hell, how could I care how someone articulates things when I take so many hits for things like y'all, fiarre, tiarrred..etc.

blah, who knows..All I know is that I'm not finding or better yet losing whatever it is that shall make things move on.

you know, I think I may become a jounalist.. of all things strange.

if you don't think that Norman rocks..then you can kiss my~

2006-03-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

The grey beast, best known for stealing body
heat and "reading"!

I so miss my flip flops..and lets not even talk
about how badly I need a Pedicure and a
WAX!! to much info???? heh

My pal Shelly does not know that I'll
be kidnapping her and using her
guitar talents!!!!!
She is the ultimate rock star...
Ain't she cute?

I actually talked to two cute boys today..THAT WERE NOT GAY!!

damn I say.. damn! I was really starting to think that there were only gay men in this town. Now, don't y'all start thinking that I don't like gays..Cuz it just ain't true. The love of my life is a terrible waste of gayness.. Hell he's had woman try to change him..he's had woman beg to change him..but hell, he's a loser and insist that he like popsicles and does not want that smelly "thang" next to him. Can you believe this boy lives in Tejas? It's true.. He tried West Hollywood and it's even to Gay for him. ;} Anyway, for whatever reason they made me think of the song below.. By the way if you're sensetive to racial comments then please just step aside from my Blog.. As, well, hell I can't even get thru a day insulting my own kind. Honestly, when was the last time you met a hot Brit? That's what I thought..bloody toothless wankers. There is no race that is safe with me.. yet, I love all. Maybe I lost my sensetivity when I was fired off of a tour for being racist.. this is what I said that turned me into a non~politically correct rocker; the set up to this is that we're sitting in a Waffle house in god only knows where..."Wow, the waitress is stunning, I so got cheated! I wish that some of that true Sicilian blood had worked it's self my way!" Yes, boys and girls I got canned for a comment that was a compliment... ah hell, I picked up a better band that was headlining the tour dates.. so fuck you, ya lousy texas pussies! Still no job.. hmmm, it's gonna get real bloddy lean here real soon.. wait, it is real lean.. good thing I don't eat much! It'll come.. I have faith.. for no reason why.. Lets see..news.. My dog of 8 years died over the weekend.. it's not hit me yet as I'm not at home with him....I had him before I married..and he has been in my life as it disolves.. the best way to some him up is to say that he would bring laughter to you when you closed your eyes and he'd know just when to say goodbye. And he did. When it hits.. well, it always does. Maybe it's to close to the loss of my nasty grey beastie for me to really be upset. he used to herd her up.. and she used to steal his body heat.. heh..that makes me smile right there. It has occured to me that I've not called B and told her yet.. Cuz I don't want to cry..hmmm.. B, I'll try to call you before you read this.

Had out first band practice last night.. hmmm. I'm not sure... It's kinda like putting a frog in a blender full of Vanilla Ice cream. Can we all guess who the frog is? If nothing else.. I decided on a name for my bass..Norman. Ultimately this is a name reserved for my runner duck, however, that'll be a while as my neighbors would probably think "ohhh, yesh. dinnah!"

I changed the locks on my front door
So you won't see me anymore
And you won't come inside my house
And you won't lie down on my couch
I changed the locks on my front door
I changed the number on my phone
So you won't call me up at home
And you won't say those things to me
That always keep me on my knees
I changed the number on my phone
I changed the kind of clothes I wear
So you won't find me anywhere
And you won't spot me in a crowd
And you won't call my name out loud
I changed the kind of clothes I wear
I changed the kind of car I drive
So you won't follow me when I go by
And you won't chase me up the street
And you won't knock me off of my feet
I changed the kind of car I drive
I changed the tracks underneath the train
So you won't find me again
And you won't trace my path
And you won't hear my laugh
I changed the tracks underneath the train
I changed the name of this town
So you won't follow me down
And you won't touch me like before
And you won't make me want you more
I changed the name of this town
I changed the name of this town
I changed the name of this town

it's all rock'n'roll until~

2006-03-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

somebody falls in the lake! Then it's beyond rock'n'roll.. It's full on drunk'n country rowdyness!!!!
See i have a since of humour..it's a bit warped but it's there none the less.

It's snowing pretty hard here and I'm loving it! Heh, It's Oscar night and it's snowing..heheheh

Yes, it seems really bizarre...but it's refreshing..If you don't count the fact that your sweaty everytime you leave an establishment. Well, EWWWWWWWWWWWW. SOME JERK just walked up to the counter where you pick up your drinks and sneezed all over it! EWWWWWWW.

Sorry, back to the news of the day~Snow.. I'll post pics soon. the fat boy is pretty funny about it..he swears he's from Australia and not liking it.. I swear he's from Paris and can get over it ;)

today couldn't have been better~

2006-03-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

why you ask?

Well, my friend Shelly gave me a killer Amazon.com gift certificate for my B~day, which led to a couple great purchases: The "Walk the line" DVD and a couple of new books on Voudou. Needless to say I'm set for a time.

This week has been wiped out by the wonderful little disease that seems to like me more than I care for it... Hey, if there's something that loves you enough to follow you everywhere and it's not contagious I guess it should be named..Damn I'm funny.

So, last week I had a house guest!!! a real live person. Oh my. Heh, Stanley~Raymond was so excited to see E that he would'nt let him up for over 4 hours.. No, this is not a normal animal laying low and resting, this is a cat that digs his chin in and lets you know. Nice. very nice.

What did we do, lots! to much to really say, but the hi~lite had to be falling into a very frozen lake Michigan. Thank you very much! It was pretty funny.. Especially since I've been worried about the fat Aussie doing this exact thang. Thanks to my UGG'S I stopped being sucked up by the frigid pond long enough to be extracted from my Icey~dipp. In the middle of all this and being sucked under my fat dog got stressed out and started moving my way to help..yep, you guessed it, he fell through... damn near over his head! hahaha.
This is the last time we follow a tourist over the ice;)

Been looking for a job and it's getting dire to say the list. Amazingly the head hunters want to dumb down my resume..WTF? I have never been nor will I ever be an office manager. The Interview went something like this.."well, you'd be incharge of all things office, you know, ordering etc.. " me~ well, honestly, if someone wants a paper clip I'll tell them to get off their ass and head to office depot!" Job not gotten. heh. Next one, "Well Missey, we here in the mid~west like to see our girls in skirts and smile'n alot!" Me "you're joking right?"
him "Well, not really we'd like to have a dress code for all here and you'd be a great way to implement it!" Me, rolling up my sleeves for the full sleeve to show and loosening my blouse so that my skulls show around my neck.."sure, that would be great!" bwhahahahahahahahaha

Time to drop the head hunters.. I'd rather work at Starbucks, thank you.

It appears to be warming up here..(ice breaking..take note here Smithy!) It'll be nice to have spring in the air.. Then again, the cats running around with spring fever could be scarey.

Hey, has anyone ever heard of the song "Endless Summer" probably buy teenage fan club.
I've been looking for some info on it.. and well, it appears to be endlessly lost in google land.

My idol in the world of rock stars!!!!

P.S. Terrah better update soon..or I'm gonna have to fly out and kick some arse!

If it's not...

2006-02-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

If something is not intuitive to you why would you choose it as your chosen carreer?

My guess is that your wondering what the hell I'm talking about.. Well, today a woman in my apartment building called her Mum and her brother to tell them where she wanted her belongings to go upon her demise. Yes, she was planning her suicide. Apparently she's a long history of alcoholism and depression. Usually the latter follows the first, honestly, how many hard core drinkers do you know that are really happy? Please feel free to let me know.

Apparently after talking to her brother she called her mum and said the same thing, but while her 96 year old mum was trying to calm her via the phone she heard a scream and "what is going on?" from her daughter as not one, not 2 but 15 fucking CPD's busted in her door and tackled her. Yes, tackeld her. It appers that a "318" is taken pretty serious here. What truly sucks is that the Mother did not know (she is in El Paso) that the son in Atlanta called the cops and said "break the door in and take her away.." So the old woman nearly had a stroke. How do I know this? Why would I know this about a woman I know nothing about, nor have I ever met her, I watched it from the street and was stunned by the violence that was taking place. No, I was sickened. With a vast history of dealing with drunks, junkies, depressed people, both in and out of my personal life, due to my chosen industry and choice of friends and foes for that matter.

Anyway, I went into the office of our apartment building and asked the seargent "in charge" if she had any one to sign off on her to make sure she didn't rot in our lovely county jail and possibly made it to the local hospital. After a gruff "none of your business" and a polite "well, your not near as nice as the officers I've met. To bad, I guess I'll be calling Detective _________ and check with him." I got my answers.. And realized that the manager on duty whom was more than overwhelmed by the events is a Post Graduate student in Mental health studies...WTF? She had no clue what to do..She did not know how to talk with this woman...she was dumbfounded by my offer to take the womans dog.. How could this be? Really?

You talk calmly, you asssure the person that YOU WILL care for their animal, you talk about how much better their gonna feel soon... You talk about how said dog "will be so excited to see you when you get back!" I dunno, how can you choose a field that you have no clue what to do in? This is someone who was so overwhelmed by the event that she gave the 96 year old mum my number.. hmmmm.. o.k. I'm o.k. with that. Go ahead ask why I'm not freaking out over it.. go ahead..

I'm not upset being drawn into such an event because It is my belief that at any given time people are only 1 step away from these thoughts. That with the pressure of life, the pressure of being a person that can survive while feeling pain of an addiction, pressure that is so all encompassing that you only forget it in the 25th hour of a day. Having said that, everyone needs a friend. Everyone needs to know that their loved ones are going to be cared for while their ill. Everyone deserves that honour. If you can't give that to someone don't pretend that you're compassionate. If you in your busy life you don't have the energy to share a smile with someone and a kind word then step aside, preferably into traffic, and leave room for those of us who can't help it.

Call me an enabler, and I will agree. For years, no for my entire existence I've been one. At times it's been painful and I've wanted to run, to start over, to possibly just create the crime, the score, the end for them. But then again some people just can't get past the pain of another with out taking it in by osmosis. This in itself is a disease and one that needs to be addressed, yet, if I had the choice of being a soul that takes in the pain of others and in doing so some how brings them comfort in doing so, so be it. This is the way I was born... This is the cause and affect of growing up and a family that has had more than an issue or two. This is the reaction of someone who some how, still sees the light, even after all that's been witnessed.

art is why i get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
and it doesn't seem fair
that i'm living for something i can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime

2006-02-21T18:39:00.000-08:00

Brr~ It was about -10 when fat boy and I hit the lake on this day!

What ever you thought an Emu was~ you were wrong..this is an Emu.

This is a picture from our first "bitter" lake excursion. ;)

Jesus..not only am I wasting time and not writing the review I need to be working on...I've somehow wiped out the blog I was trying to transfer to. heh..yep, that's my way. I've lots to say..but I'm feeling uninspired.. I even PAID for a new c.d. today in hopes that that would do it..but alas, no.
So instead, I'll give ya a picture..And I'll try to pretend I'm gonna do my work. Or atleast go home and play guitar.. yeah, right.

P.s. don't ever ask your female neighbor if she'd like to hit the bar with ya for a drink..she'll think your GAY! WTF???? no wonder I like men better than women..on all counts I might add for her info.

well now~lets all gather round and dance!

2006-02-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what the thought of starting a new job/finding a job can do to you. Some it makes happy and excited, for others it's the thought of hell! The standard look you get when you arrive for the interview from the receptionist, the daunting seat at the end of the table, alone, while several others sit at the other end and nail you with a ton of questions. Ahh the joy.

Well, today is the first real day of snow I've seen.. And all I've got to say is...BRRRRRRRRRR.

Whatever I thought cold was before it's nothing to this...snow and wind..wind and snow..wind and sun, sun and wind, rain and wind, wind and rain.. I love it all except for the rain. It appears that no matter where I am in the world rain will always drain me. For whatever reason it's great for the first hour or two..then I need some sun or at least a break.

Had coffee with a couple of Chicago's finest yesterday. I've always sought out the local cops to ask them what they think of my hood and the directions one should or shouldn't go after certain hours. Oddly enough, after talking with them that afternoon I saw several patrol cars drive by as I was walking the fat~boy later that night. Nice.. ask and you shall recieve. Hopefully I'll get some pics up soon of the neighborhood and perhaps the lake.

I've lots of stories to tell, but the only thing on my mind right now is a job!

so you think you've seen the midwest?

2006-01-28T00:00:00.001-08:00

trust me..you've not seen the u.s. until you covered 2 states in an afternoon..
you may think that this is not much of an acomplishment, but alas, you must have: 3 quasi hairless cats that are sure you've not idea what you're doing or where you're going; 1 fat aussie whom does not fit in your suv because the cats take up so much room and tend to let him know when he's crossed their lines.

Night one~ Flagstaff..no snow, but damn..and i mean damn cold...
Night two~Amirillo (sp) Tx, flat.

Night 3..somewhere in MS...I think....

p.s. Hi Terrah and Josh! love you both.

so you think you've seen the midwest?

2006-01-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

brrr~

2006-01-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

Yes, I just said brrr and it's only 65* out. This time next week I'll be lucky if I hit somewhere above freezing!

Kinda a lazy day and I just discovered why...SUGAR! I've never really known the effects of it to be this harsh, but now i know my beloved vice in life has got to go. It makes me groggy and blah. It tends to make Terrah laugh when I act this way and ask "did you eat today?" pretty much all day. Mind you it's a valid question, there's a lot of air between these ears.

The thought of putting sitemeter on here has come and gone, why you ask? well, I'm sure that Terrah and myself are the only ones reading it and it sounds like a pain. hehehe

Josh is gone and I'm hating it, however, I dreamed that he was in Chicago when I got there, he was waiting for me at the L stop by my place. That would rule.

O.k. I'm gonna put a link up to all things dog... like i said before, anything, dog soap...dog blankets (translates to that ratty old thing you have in your closet) food, $$ anything..any thing at all helps. There are 3 dogs that I know of that have been adopted out already!!! Now, if they'd just start rescuing Oriental Shorthairs (I've got 3 they can start with.) I don't mean it..I love my beast even if one is truly satan.

To the world of dogs!
http://johnsyphoto.blogspot.com/

yoga-yoBLAH~ just call me Smith!

2006-01-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

(the pict to the right is, damn, i dunno..sand&flower..now that'art!)
o.k. when i figure all this out..the above pict comment will appear DIRECTLY under the pict, WHERE I PUT IT IN THE DRAFT! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Where are all those IT boys when i really need them?

O.k. on to the real stuff~

well, those that know me will truly understand when I say that I'm really not a yoga type of girl. you could easily say that i'm a bit more, well, kick-boxing or perhaps flat out RUMBLING in the hood.

having said this makes it a bit more understandable how damn funny it was yesterday when the instructor was convinced of two things: He remembered me from classes before..(He did)...And that I am really good at it! The other issue he had is that he insist my first name should be "Smith". Well, o.k. I'm game, especially since he is probably gonna read this! haha. I guess I better get used to it cuz that's what they call me at the studio now.....
is this how nick names are born?
Anyway..below is a comical view of yesterdays class..in short. Why comical you ask? well, cuz it's true.. you can't pay for things like this..

1. me showing the class how to do a handstand. please, not only am i incapable of twisting myself into a pretzel while smiling and being graceful, i do not enjoy PAIN! this of course, means that I prefer not to try to stand on my hands, as that means that i will soon be careening to the floor with a solid THUD! Please, don't ever call me grace. if you really need to know why, i have a friend or two that would be happy to tell you how i do things like: find trails, return carts at stores, get out of my car, walk my dog.....

2. the instructors constant attention to my person.. stating things like.. "look at that alignment."
saying "look at smith! she's got it perfect!" "have you ever seen a punk rocker do yoga like this?" (since when am i punk? what a couple of tatts makes you a rebel?)
followed by his brushing my hair from my eyes and saying this makes the pose look preetier..
EWWWWWW!!!!

oh well, this is how they behave. me, well, i'm fully aware now why i've always been a runner.

all i've done is eat today.. and nothing good for me at that. oddly, i discovered that gluten does, indeed, make me itch. hmmm, well there goes my daily pastry.. certainly satan has a hand in this.

2morrw I'll be hang'n with my girls.. probably hit the beach for a bit and have a beverage or two....

and please go to http://johnsyphoto.blogspot.com/
give them and their herd of critters some love~ even if it's just a "hey, it's look'n good.."

tell me~

2006-01-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

What is it about some movies that you can turn them on and watch them over and over? I don't necessarly mean sit and watch them, more like having them on in the background.

It's crazy hot here today, 80's easy... to that I say "blah!" I'm not really into winter heat, however, the wrecking crew are loving it..that and the warm laundry they're lounging on. Must be nice to be a cat.

Made an appointment to get a new script for my glasses.. Yes, I know that you're not supposed to wear them, that you should try to correct it on your own, but damn, I can't see a clock across the room anymore and I'm not amused.

Leaving in about a week..or a bit longer, pending on a few when and where's.. kinda looking forward to it.. kinda scared as all hell.

Oh, I almost forgot, the picture...that's a Moo, a Fat Aussie and an Arse!

2006-01-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!
I've never understood the concept of going out on New Year's Eve and drinking so much that you feel like hell on the first day of the new year.... having said that, you'll understand a bit more why I love new years day.. A new begining as everyday is~ This New Years Day was, simply put, enjoyable. Went with my dear friend

 to the beach to see Storm of the Season!!!  First though, we terrorized E at his 4 star restaurant... looking like a couple of drown rats..being the good sport that he is he sent a server our way to hook us up with some Irish Coffees.  Because today was dubbed Irish day!  Had I'd known I'd have worn a touch of green.  heh, maybe not.

Depending on how the storm goes we may return to the beach 2morrow to get some more pictures.  I'll add a few more as the week goes on.. should any warrant being seen by the public, all 2 of you who read this!

i wonder~

2005-12-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

Do they have to fumigate all the art at LACMA after someone such as myself has gone in and wheezed and hacked on it?

The other question of the day is this: How many birds fall into the Le Brea tar pits every year? and why aren't we using it for petrol? I mean honestly, there's at least 2 tanks of gas in that thing!!!!!

It's not that I meant to, if anything I hacked into my arm more than anything..and the sniffles were, well, I tried to mute them. Poor fellow art viewers... But, but, I just couldn't stay home for one more day.

It was lots of fun, I have to admit.. It's always great to hit the museums..it's always fun to people watch..

Oh, and if anyone ever reads this who knows how to work the spell check...could you clue me in? I keep hitting it and it keeps letting me screw up.

It's time to go suck down even more emergen~c.. I hate that stuff. Funny thing is that when I was first turned onto it on the set it was AMAZING!!!!! now, I despise it. hmmm, I should say that the despising part only happens when I'm feeling sickly.

I've one more question for the real world~ if you're out looking for a car in the $1,000 range, how bloody picky can you be? yes, it has a dent, yes, it will cost you 3 bills to fix it. yes, it has a brand new $100.00 10 day old Bosch battery. yes, it is in amazing condition for it's age. yes, the interior looks like it's 16 years old..
YES, THE CAR IS 16 YEARS OLD!!!!)

for $1,000 please don't inquire unless you mean it. bah.. done rant!!

hello hell, I'm here in los angeles~

2005-12-27T19:29:00.000-08:00

well, once again we out did ourselves for the holy~est of holidays. lets see, a morning of worship for our lord and saviour followed by an afternoon of prayers thanking all that have come before and allowed us to be, to be, what we are today.

oh please!!! we had some vegetable soup..made by yours truly, now, I could say that this was nothing, however, this is a monumental as say, a chef making a 5 star meal. cooking is not my forte nor do I long for it to be. maybe, if i had a bunch of wee kitchen elves hid somewhere to clean up after me I would consider things beyond: toast, intstant oatmeal and cold cereal. All in all Christmas rocked.. hung with my dear friends, saw a movie, recieved some rock'n gifts that i'm just not worthy of..but of course, will keep!

I figured I'd fill this up with all the things I had to say..profound or not! yes, I admit, not is the likely story. I will say that there were lots of star sightings over the holiday..Goldie Hawn (sp) at the Gap...the guy that played Chandler on friends....and a few more that i just can't remember..so, well..there.

hey, wanna see something beautiful..go to
check out her work and help care for the critters!
Yes, i know it's not the proper link..but i'm to dazed from my award winning cold to figure it out.
Anyway, the first picture you'll see is the lovely Stanley~Raymond..he is one fine boy!

laugh and light a cigarette~

2005-12-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

After years of time here in the lovely land of the strange and size 2's, I do believe I've had the best day I've ever had here. This, of course, is not to say that I've not had great days, but for what ever reason, buying dog and cat toys, car batteries and just hang'n ruled. Must be that good 'ol Christmas air or perhaps, it's the surreal feeling when you walk out of the automotive place and realize you're walking on Hollywood Blvd. on top of stars.

What ever it is..I like it.